Matthew Gilman update

So last I heard he's doing fine. His surgery went well, but not as expected. Here's why: Turns out the doctors gave him a few options varying in quality and price for surgery. Low end would be the "roadkill and staples, in and out special." Survival rate 15%. On the high end would be the "heart of your enemy, replacement and spa treatment." There are some moral issues with the last as they take the life of your enemy, but the survival rate is on average above 150% because the heart of your enemy actually makes you stronger so you'll live longer than if your heart was fine. Just stay away from fatty foods.

Matthew opted for the middle of the road, "workingman special." Nice and affordable with a very high survival rate. Nothing fancy and exotic about this surgery except they use parts from a goat for something... I'm not sure for what though. Lunch, maybe?

Anyway, last I heard, he's on the mend which will be a long process of building up his strength and losing weight. He can already breath much better then before the surgery as goats are well known for their natural breathing abilities. Again, I don't know if the goat parts had anything to do with it, but he is breathing better. Hmmm.

While he is on the mend, he still needs our positive energy sent to him so keep him in your thoughts, prayers, meditations, letters to Santa, and any other form of well wishing you can think of.

Good luck Matthew.

SNOW?!?! Are you F@#$%&* Kidding me? The Third, Esq.

Seriously.

We are days away from May. I wake up to find snow outside. Not everywhere like last time, mind you, but enough to really get my goat (what does that phrase even mean?). I'm cool with it not accumulating in the inches, but at the same time, there should be zero snow at this point in the year. Zero! I shouldn't even have to think about it.

Snow still on the ground means it's cold. I hate the cold even more than snow. Not cool. Well, cold actually.

I am not sure what I'll do if it snows again this year. I would go postal, but that's not appropriate as they do their job in all types of weather. I'll think of something.

Reduce Dependance on Foreign Oil.

We all know that oil is crazy expensive in the US right now, but did you know that Europe has been paying prices like this for years? The reason they've been paying these prices for so long is they rely much more on foreign oil then we do. We are lucky (bad choice of word?) to have oil deposits in and around our own country. Not to mention some of the biggest oil companies are American in origin.

Well I just filled the 20 gallon tank of the Monster Minivan and ended up paying over $60. That was the first time I filled it since I bought it and, wow, I was crying a little on the inside. a few years ago that would have cost me $25. Lordy. If you do the math, the difference is.... um... a lot. Back then, a gallon of milk was significantly more expensive than a gallon of gas. Not sure what milk cost nowadays as I'm lactose intolerant ("I won't stand for it" -Seinfeld), so I can't make the comparison.

Anyway, it is probably too late to do anything about the outrageous oil prices now (unless they end up drilling in Alaska, which I'm not for at all... we'll see if my opinion changes a $1 later) so I suggest we reduce our reliance on other foreign oils.

Olive oil, stir fry oil, um... is peanut oil foreign?

Monster Minivan leads to a discovery.

Check this out.
I had to transfer ownership of the Monster Minivan's title to me. I went on one of them inter-nets to see if I could find anything saying if I could mail in the title or if I had to go to a DMV office. turns out I have to go in. But that's not what this post is about. This is about a webpage I stumbled on laying out what type of vehicles can go without a title (read here For the original page).

This is what struck me as post-worthy:

General Information:
Minnesota certificates of title are mailed to the owner of the vehicle. Liens are shown on the title.
Effective October 1, 1972 (M.S.168A.05), every vehicle must be titled with the following exceptions:

(5 other boring vehicles)
#6 An implement of husbandry.
(a couple other boring vehicles)

The thing is, a newer vehicle in Minnesota can cost a lot when it comes time to pay taxes on it. So, If I can prove that a child was conceived in the Monster Minivan, would it be tax exempt?

The Future of Hair Care

Here's a guarantee from me. In the future, say five to eight years from now, Hair care is going to be radically different. Longer hair will come back, but instead of being super fancy layer cuts or perms or anything like that, a new product is going to be released. This new product will be like hair gel with one incredible difference. It doesn't dry out like gel.

Since it doesn't dry out, it will keep it's sculptability (I think I just made up a word!). So, longer hair with some of this new gel will give the user the ability to sculpt a hairstyle whenever they want. If you are feeling particularly devilish, sculpt some horns in your hair. Want to feel magical? Unicorn horn. Feel like a fossil? Stegosaurus bone plates. Need vengeance because some weird marine biologist killed your shark baby? Jaws-like great white dorsal fin.

You get the idea.

I think this is a great idea (copyright Glenn Chipman 2008). I really hope it comes true. Sooner rather than later, as I may be bald in the not to distant future. Then I'll have to use the gel on my toupee.

What should we name it?

A Musing about Divorce.

Have you heard about the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? How accurate do you think that is?

I think that statement should be worded differently. In my experience, people who get one divorce are more likely than not going to get a second divorce if they remarry. Because of that, I think the statement should be something about the success rate of first marriages. Since the majority of divorcees I know get a second one (and sometimes a third), that really skews the statistic. The worst part is that 50% statistic gets thrown around a lot, and it kind of devalues marriage. That is not good.

I know that this isn't a funny post, but sometimes that's gonna happen. That's how I roll.

Girls Gone Wild is for Suckers.

I don't mean the guys that buy that crap. I'm all for that. That keeps them from buying rohypnol and using it. Keeps 'em off the street, if you will.

I mean those girls that go wild. Idiots. All they get out of it is a T-shirt and a life time of self loathing. Their parents must be proud. No, not really, and If they are, they should be shot. If they're going to give away the milk for free, as it were, then they should at the very least, make money off of it. But I guess then they wouldn't be giving the milk away for free. All they are doing is helping that douchebag that owns Girls Gone Wild pay for his island. No, really. He has an island. Paid for by teen girls that may or may not have been under the influence of rohypnol. Definitely under the influence of alcohol. Absolutely under the influence of a gnawing lack of self worth.

I will say this for that douchebag. He has some kind of mystical power that can make hundreds and hundreds of girls take their shirt off at the least. Then he records it and give them a T-shirt as compensation. Obviously there is an audience for this crap. An island ain't cheap. And if you re-read my opening paragraph, he is kind of providing a service, keeping armies of douchebags off of the streets. So in a sense, he is a hero.

I guess that is kinda worth an island.

On the Subject of Dreams.

I'm not talking about MLK Jr here. This is about REM-cycle-deep-sleep-dreams. I'm plagued with them. More often than not, when awoken, they flee not to return with only a hint of what happened remaining. When I remember them clearly though, I'm blown away.

Brace yourself.

Let me start off by saying that when I dream, they are hyper-real. There are times in my life where I remember things, bring them up in conversation, only to find that they never happened in the real world. I'd be embarrassed if I were capable of that emotion, or any emotion in general. I'm like the robot that dreams... Back to the dreams: hyper-real. Sometimes I can actually smell things. Sometimes I can actually feel pain and the like. A couple of times I've died in my dreams. No, really.

The last time I died in my dreams, it played out like this:
I was using a small trolling motor to steer a row boat that was carrying a group of people that I knew but I never looked at their faces. I was trying to beach the boat on a very steep beach so we could get out. As the boat started up the beach, all the people started jumping out. That caused the boat to rock, and because the beach was so steep the rear of the boat took on water as it rocked. Everyone jumped off of the boat onto the beach except me. That caused the boat to lurch and it rapidly started sinking. I tried to get off but my foot got caught in the anchor rope. The boat slid off the beach and pulled me down with it. For some reason, the slope of the steep beach continued well under the surface of the water, so there was plenty of room for the boat to sink straight down. As the boat and I completely submerged, a feeling of absolute calm overtook me. It was underwater-quiet. about twenty feet down, all I could see was the boat below me, and some shafts of light coming from the surface. My body took on that frozen-floating look. Everything went black.

I woke up in a very calm panic, if that makes sense. Sat straight up like a bolt of lightning. Sat there for awhile, confused. Went about the rest of my day very cautiously.

I'll post more details from other dreams in the future. For now, if you remember your dreams, compare them to a dream dictionary. That can blow your mind. For fun, examine my dream and tell me what you think it means.

Target Evacuation Update.

Well, It's been a few days since my family and I were asked to evacuate the Target in Roseville. I'm not saying we were the only ones like we did something bad, everyone inside was evacuated. The official story is someone called in bomb threats to three separate Target stores. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Ever since I left Target I haven't felt right. The first two days away I fought back nausea to the point that I had to stop what I was doing a few times and catch my breath. I hate puking. I know that's kind of a dumb thing to say, but some people don't like it, but tolerate it. I despise it. I will do whatever I can not to. I'll make a post about this someday. I also had a headache right out of Target and have been a little unfocused since then too.

I'm a little worried that I've been poisoned. Sure, I have a touch of hypochondriac in me. Sure, they said it was a bomb threat. I just need this out in the open just in case I wake up one day to find out I'm dead.

You know, just in case.

Dream Job.

I think I'm cut out to be a voice-over recording artist. Just like the gritty voiced men you hear doing movie trailers. I can totally do that.

Wanna help?

Let's collaborate on a script. Go ahead and type out some lines in the Comments section and we can make some magic. In fact, if we get enough input and it turns out really nice, I'll even record it and put it on here.

Gentlefolk, start your imaginations.

Out of Context.

One of my favorite activities is to take things out of context.

Perfect example: I was watching the Curious George TV show with my kid when out of the blue the narrator says, "George and Jumpy played nut hockey all day." Priceless. It's like free comedy.

Sometimes, I think the writers of kids' shows put things like that in shows on purpose. I mean what person grows up saying, "I want to write poorly conceived children shows when I grow up." There may be 12 people total. The rest are completely disenfranchised writers (an odd group of people, writers) that are writing anything for money at this point. Out of boredom they'll put things like that in the script trying to sneak it under the radar of the sensor. Awesome. Thanks writers that missed the mark!

Anybody else have an example of this phenomenon?

Most embarrassing moment.

Hello friendly readers. Today I bring to you a new category of my blog. Embarrassing moments. I've filled my life with them. How do I get past such embarrassment, you ask? Well, I have the worst memory on the face of the planet, so I have that going for me. The only time I remember things is a) when I'm told to... that hardly works b) during weird flashes based on a tiny piece of associated information c) at the most inopportune time.

Well, I had one of those weird flashes yesterday and I thought I'd share it with you. About six or seven years ago, I was living in Savannah, GA and was brushing my teeth. I must have been in a hurry because I was brushing at an alarming rate of speed. The reason you aren't supposed to brush that fast is because your toothbrush can "jump the rails" and damage the soft tissue in your mouth... which is precisely what happened to me. I gouged the gums and inner lip on the front part of my jaw. It was quite painful. A few days go by and the wound starts to hurt, possibly from an infection. The pain is so unbearable that I open the medicine cabinet and reach for the vial of Anbesol.

I twisted the cap off, pulled out the applicator and applied it directly to the wound. Instead of that part of my mouth going numb, a very different and unpleasant taste filled my mouth, much like super glue (don't ask). Not what I expected at all. Then, almost immediately, an odd drying sensation happened and the solution hardened into a "skin." At this point I was in a lot of pain, confused and starting to panic. I looked at the bottle and to my horror I realized I grabbed the wrong vial. Although it was the exact same size and color, the label wasn't facing me and I didn't even know we owned a vial of the product I had applied to the open wound in my mouth. That product was...

...Dr. Scholl's Liquid Wart Remover.

I know, delicious. I spent the next fifteen minutes scraping off the "skin" that had formed in my mouth with my toothbrush. Just in case this point is missed, I spent fifteen minutes brushing/scraping Dr. Scholl's Liquid Wart Remover off of a very painful, open wound in my mouth. I probably should have called poison control, but I was running late for work as it was. The right side of my lower lip was really really swollen for a couple of days. I also sounded a little like Mushmouth from Fat Albert when I spoke.

Good Times.

just in case

Today the family and I went to the Super Target in Roseville to buy some things. I needed a griller brush, some stainless steel cleaner, and a shower curtain. As we were walking through the store a voice came over head and sounded a little shaky. I couldn't quite understand it but it sounded like, "MMmmmMm Scccckkk Please evacSXXxxxss go to the nearest fire exit." We went about our business for a moment because it wasn't quite clear until hind sight kicked in.

A moment later, we joined one of the Target employees and a couple other customers and headed to the back door. The employee didn't know how to open the fire door, so I had to step in and play the hero role. I pushed the lever that said "Push here in case of emergency. Alarm will sound." You're welcome Target employee.

We walked around the building and there was a sea of red shirted teens across the parking lot. As we were walking, four cop cars came speeding (I mean FAST) into the parking lot. We eventually made it to our monster minivan and waited around a bit to see what would happen.

No fire trucks arrived, so it wasn't a fire.

Eventually, we got tired of waiting for something to happen. So I drove up to a group of cops and a couple of Target employees. I asked, "Were we exposed to anything I should worry about?" I was told, "No. There's just a threat to the store, please evacuate."

I'm fairly certain the mainstream media is going to call this a bomb threat. In fact, I bet that two other stores were targeted (no pun intended, mostly). However, I got a headache almost as soon as I got back to the monster minivan. So I suspect that there's a cover up and I was exposed to something bad.

If I get anthrax, heads are going to role. This post is just in case I do and can't do anything about it in time.

Ultimate buddy movie.

Imagine with me if you will...

Our hero, a police chief that gets tired of his desk job and demotes himself to detective. He ends up being partnered with an up and coming police captain bent on justice. They get assigned to a murder. The victim turns out to be a Congressman's daughter. Through the investigation we find out that the Congressman is trafficking drugs and his daughter got caught in the crossfire...

That's a very basic plot. Other characters would be included. The police station's radio dispatcher is a spitfire young women that loves the up and coming captain but can't express herself except in very harsh words. The ex-chief's wife is doting and beyond worried about her husband coming out from behind the desk. The rookie is a young kid that doesn't know any better and is always falling for the common station pranks.

Now that you have a basic sense of the Ultimate Buddy Movie, let me let you in on who I would cast as the two lead roles: William Shatner and Jeff Goldblum.

Can you imagine it? Shattner would be the hot headed bad cop to Goldblum's easy going, friendly, good cop.

My god, the acting! Weird pauses, awkward sounds, and stiff movements throughout the whole movie. It would be an instant cult hit. Shatner could even speak a little Esperanto in it. The two kings of odd verbal cadence would be an amazing dynamic duo. And the chemistry is undeniable. Shatner would lead and Goldblum would mutter his agreeance. We could even get Billy Zane in there as the straight man to the other two's odd behavioral glitches. That guy needs a good gig.

I have the perfect name for it:
Murder Most Awkward

Guess what...

Read this.

A quick update to my "What happened to the Smurfs?" post. Turns out there is a movie, possibly a trilogy of them, coming our way (thanks for the tip, Lucas). CGI no less.

Don't know how I feel about that. I still don't know how i feel about the Transformers movie. Did I or did I not like it? The world may never know.

As long as Gargamel and Azrael are in it, then all will be good. I hope.

A revisit to my April Fools post.

For those that have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember my "Finished with Critique/Portfolio on line" April fools post. If not, read it HERE.

The long and the short of the joke was I provided a link to my "portfolio" which when clicked on rickrolled the viewer. Hilarity. Right after the link is a paragraph that was purposefully written to sound a tad off. If you read the first word in each line, you will see why.

Basically, the entire post can be summed up in this graphical representation:

Graph courtesy of Graph Jam

Have Fun, Confuse your pets.

Here's a short list of things to do to mess with your pets. Relax PETA, no animals were harmed in the making of this list.

1. Make that high pitched whistling noise while you're breathing in sound like a dog whine.

2. Laser Pointer.

3. Play dead (see pic). Poor guy was shocked.

4. Move the furniture.

5. Put mirrors on the floor.

6. Put Post-it notes sticky side up on the floor.

7. Eat on a glass table with no plates. Think about it.

8. Call them by a different name for a day.

9. Teach them to drool when you ring a bell.

10. Play a wind instrument.

11. Hang a piece of bacon from the ceiling just out of reach.

12. Pet a pillow lovingly to make 'em jealous.

13. Eat out of their dish.

14. Teach them to read.

15. Move the furniture back.

Of course, I don't tease any animal to the point that they get a complex. They're smart animals. Eventually, they'll catch on to your shenanigans and your games won't be nearly as effective. 

Love all animals. Have your pets spade and neutered. Unless of course you want them to have babies. Then it's cool.

Whatever Happened to the Smurfs?

I'm really shocked by this. Everything else that was cool when I was a kid has made a resurgence in one form or another. Transformers (the greatest playthings ever), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, New Kids on the Block (I'm not kidding), GI Joe (wait for it...), Strawberry Shortcake, Rubik's Cube to some extent, and a slew of other rehashed ideas. All of these things may be subject to Webster's Law of Review, but they have enough marketability in them that they came around for a new generation (as did many other things before, Tom & Jerry, Scooby Doo, etc etc).

I don't know how they'd do it, but the rehashing of the Smurfs is bound to happen and bound to be cool. Gargamel is a great bad guy. Bent on eating the Smurfs and turning them into gold or some such. Azrael the cat is an awesome bad guy pet. Doesn't get any better than this.

Maybe Billy Zane can get work in the retooling. I'm worried about him. What a talent. He needs work. Smurf a brother out.

Why can't old people drive better?

I don't get it. If practice makes perfect, then old people should be the best drivers in the world. Think about it, in some cases they were around for the advent of mass produced cars. That's before seat belts, airbags, pavement in most areas, drinking and driving laws, and a bunch of other safety features we take for granted. When you put it in that context, the crazy drivers would have eliminated themselves long ago, leaving the better drivers to breed a race of super drivers. 

Weird how that didn't work. 

There must be some kind of threshold where the old folks' driving abilities deteriorate. I'm completely in favor of rigid driving tests on a bi-annual basis. That would weed out the old people who tend to slam on the gas thinking it's the brake while driving into a crowd, the punk kids that don't care about anything on the road (damn punk kids), rice-burner racers, and most of the people that cause traffic. 

Think about that. If we were required to take more in depth driving tests more often, there would be significantly fewer accidents, fewer drivers, fewer cars on the road, less car emissions, and way less traffic. The number of driving related deaths would plummet. Heaven on earth. As it stands right now, we give a drivers licenses to dumb kids that can't even vote. If we gave out pilot licenses in the same manner, more houses would have small-engine planes sticking out of their roofs. 

Since that will never happen (damn auto industry lobbyists) I dream of the day that the old, the bad, the too young get out of the left lane if they aren't going faster than the speed limit. That is the number one reason traffic sucks as bad as it does. Especially when those bad drivers match the speed of the car right next to them in the right lane, not letting anyone around. Basically acting as a cork.

I hate bad drivers almost as much as snow.

SNOW?!?! Are you F@#$%&* Kidding me? Part Deaux

What is going on here? Where is the warming this globe is supposed to be going through? I can't believe that there is another 4 to 8 inches of snow coming our way again. I shake my fists at the clouds and their stupid tiny ice flakes. 

I went for a drive tonight to pick up some things from Target. It was one of the more daring drives I've ever been on. I didn't take the monster minivan and I probably should have. It felt more like I was boating than driving. When you are boating, turning isn't a very accurate venture. You turn the wheel and the boat will go that way, but depending on current, wind, speed, etc etc, it can vary how the boat will turn. I saw a couple of cars in the ditch and Target isn't that far from my house. I can only imagine how many cars are ditched in the area. 

Nice going industry. Thanks a lot progress. The worst part is to get around in this kind of weather we will all need monster vehicles and those things drink gas. In big gulps. So the more we drive our monster vehicles, the more gas we use, the more emissions are released, and the worse the weather gets. It's a vicious stupid cycle.

Drive careful. Stay warm.

I've been tagged.

Have you heard of this nonsense? It's where someone from a different corner of the internet fills out a list of questions then "tags" you to fill it out next. It's like a chain letter without the luck benefits. Maybe it's more like a chain letter with embarrassing details of my life laid out for perfect strangers to read. Well, I think I'll give this one try. If I like it, I may fill out ones I find interesting in the future. Probably not though. Don't hold your breath.

Here goes:

Four Jobs I’ve Held:

• Dishwasher at Pizza Hut
  
• Cook at Pizza Hut
  
• Manager at Pizza Hut
  
• Ninja assassin
  

Four movies I could watch over and over:
None. I don’t get how people can watch movies over and over again. I can maybe watch a movie more than once if a significant amount of time has passed, but once you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. You know how it ends, you know all the characters, you even know the soundtrack. It is literally two hours of your life you will never get back every time you watch a movie over. Go write a book, clean out the gutters... do something!

Places I’ve lived:
Have a seat. 
Cleveland, OH; Vista, CA; Big Bear, CA (I think I missed a couple already); Carlsbad, CA (I think); Oceanside, CA; Libertyville, IL; then back to Oceanside, CA (a couple of places); then shockingly to Winona, MN (a bunch of places there); Savannah, GA (in a hell hole, then in a mansion); St. Paul, MN (a couple of nice places). 

Four TV shows I like:

• Cavemen
  
• According to Jim
  
• Jerry Springer
  
• anything on MTV
  

No, not really. Suckers.

• Lost
  
• Bones (I’m just as shocked as you)
  
• House
  
• anything on MTV
  

Four people who email me regularly:

• The guy with the penis enlargement pills (I’m getting a complex)
  
• The gal with the fake designer things
  
• Scott
  
• the online casinos
  

(in that order)

Four favorite foods:

• Spaghetti
  
• Vanilla Ice Cream
  
• Filet Mignon, sides of Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Steamed Broccoli, and a glass of Cabernet
  
• Lasagna (and i hate Mondays too. Oh, and check this out.)
  

Where would I rather be?

• Anywhere by a beach
  
• Anywhere warm
  
• Anywhere I’m loved
  
• Chuckee Cheese’s
  

Four people I’m tagging:

• Josh
  
• Robert
  
• Mills
  
• Paul
  

There you go. Let me know what y'all think. 

The Final Nail in my Rock and Roll Lifestyle.

That's it. Put a fork in me. I'm done.

The dream of being a rock star exhaled its last breath and is now pale and lifeless in my heart. And it's starting to stink a bit. Why you may ask? Let me show you:

Admittedly, the oversized tires are kinda cool, as is the DVD player inside, but a minivan? Being a family man does have its downside. 

I'll still play music. I may still start a band in the not too distant future. You never know. But any chance of me "making it" have been thwarted by this... this... monster. This monster-minivan.

Blazing solos on my guitar will now sound less biting, my voice will be less soul wrenching, my songs will be less real. Everything is now flowers and rainbows. Great.

Looking at the bright side, my monster minivan can kick your cars but any day.

Best Wishes Matthew Gilman.

A friend of mine is in the hospital. 

Matthew Gilman, whom I met (is that right? whom?) at Brainco, is probably having near-heart surgery in the very near future. Valve replacement to be more accurate. His valve ain't working properly and his body is collecting fluid under his lungs making it very very hard to get even a slight breath. He was gasping for air walking across his living room. 

Not good.

The docs put him on some kind of liquid restrictive diet and gave him medicine to make him pee (or something like that) so he's lost 55 pounds in four days. For those that don't know Matthew, he's kinda "big boned." More to love, I say. 55 pounds is a good start. I'm proud of him and his ability to pee. 

His heart is fine, but the valve is faulty. So hopefully when the valve gets replaced, his body can keep up with the fluid disposal without aid. Time will tell. 

Unfortunately, Matthew has to take time off of school at Brainco to get healthy again. That sucks. He is a great talent and I planned on riding his wave too graduation and beyond. I'm going to bug him his entire "resting period" for ideas. 

So with this information in mind, if you pray, start praying. If you meditate to be one with the higher consciousness, when you reach it, make sure you put in a good word. If you drink, tip one back for Matthew. If you're into tantric sex, hit it hard for the ol' Gilman. Not too hard, you need to save your life energy. If you're into ritual sacrifice, you're sick and you need help. Get some. Please. No creature deserves that. 

You get the point. The dude needs all the positive energy he can get. Send him some.

Walking is for Suckers

I just spent the first half of today at the Minnesota Zoo. With a two and a half year old. One that walks at his own pace. I've always had my own pace. Actually, I have two different speeds. Fast, and Relaxed. Fast is the pace I use when at work or in public when I'm in large groups cuz I hate crowds (it's the ninja in me). Relaxed is the pace I use everywhere else or if I've been doing a lot of strenuous activities. I now have to add a third pace: Two and a Half Year Old. I understand why he walks so slow, his legs are significantly shorter than mine. Significantly. He's really short. However, understanding as I am, I have trouble adjusting to something that new for so long. We walked for about five hours with a couple of breaks here and there. Lordy.

My solution: Personal Mobility Devices. I would love me a scooter. I don't mind walking for short times at my new Two and a Half Year Old Pace, say fifteen minutes to a half an hour, but any longer than that and I want to be cruising. I'd even get a child seat.

Whatever happened to...

Hypercolor T-shirts?

When they were out originally, I was in a much, much lower tax bracket. I really really wanted one but could not afford them. *sigh

In Minnesota they were pretty cool. Especially during the winter. The colors would only be different in the armpits. Sort of like wearing a lie detector. They should re-release them except in a line of products. I'm thinking sheets, hats, socks, boxer-briefs... you get the idea.

The only other trend I miss is tight rolled baggy pants. Heaven.

Ye Olde Randome Musings.

Have you ever wondered if we can select the gender of our children before they are conceived? 

I put forth to you, good people, that you can actively choose the gender of your future children during intercourse. It all rests in the male of the couples' hands. All he has to do is think about the desired gender of his future child during copulation. So if the couple wants to have a girl, the male has to be thinking about females. If the couple wants to have a boy, the male has to be thinking about males.

So for those of you with siblings of the opposite sex, your father was probably bi.

A Perplexing Feeling.

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been really really busy, but have absolutely nothing to do? I'm experiencing this right now.

It probably has a lot to do with the "body in motion" rule of physics... not the science of physics, more the emotions of it. If that makes sense. I have been in a constant state of moving for so long that the sense of urgency is still just under the skin. Even though I don't have any looming projects. It's an interesting paradox. One I'm not used to. I'm really tired at the moment, but I can't settle down enough to even nap. Very frustrating. 

What to do, what to do?

Update on the Jesus/Billy Zane crisis.

Turns out that I really like Kiwi. It's one of the fruits that come in the tropical fruit sampler that either Jesus or Billy Zane saw fit to make a condensation-appearance on. A condearance if you will.

I don't really have anything else to add to that except whoever it was on the packaging is now gone. Go look in your fridge.

HURRAY! I finished!

Now I'm high on spray adhesive and everything is sticky-tacky. Other than that...

The smell of markers is clearing. The headache is subsiding. The sense of accomplishment and pride are swelling.

"Why?" you may ask. To you I would say, "Catch up. It's all in the blog." (or, "Ketchup, it's all on the dog." but that would make very little sense in this case.)

I am done creating my ads for Critique (notice the capitol C in respect for the occasion) and I think they look swell. I've created an online portfolio with them in it. Let me know what you think:

CLICK HERE!

Happy is 100% how I feel. I don't even care that it snowed in

April. You and your posse cannot bring me down today, you 

fools. From this day on I am the master of my destiny. It's my

day. No one can stop me. I'm king of the world! And to 

everybody that supported me:

Thanks.