head in a blog

Life 4.0

2010-01-20T11:26:00.004-06:00

Busy as heck, but in a good way 90% of the time. The internship I landed is allowing me to create some ridiculously cool things that I will share here when I can. So keep coming back.

The issue:
Had to pull the kid from a school he was comfortable and happy with and place him in one where he can hang out all day while his 'rents are at work. The biggest plus about the new school is there is a kid that used to be our neighbor there that Tuck knows. Instant friend. Today's his first day, we'll see how it goes. It's been a hard transition from me in school to me at work for him especially. He had me to watch him everyday of his life because I was in night school or late shifts at work so he didn't have any day care, just me. Momma came home from work and watched him for the rest of the day. Her schedule hasn't changed, but mine is completely flipped. I now have a 9-5 job so he has to be in daycare 5 days a week. Add to that the reduced face time with his dad and we have a grumpy kid in the making. I'm hoping he adjusts quickly. It's been hard on him the last couple of weeks while I started the intern and it's been hard on the wife while the kid focuses on wanting to see me. Since her schedule hasn't changed at all, he hasn't had to adjust to her so he's fixated on me. She feels neglected.

That's all for now. Stay tuned faithful viewers.

I guess it was worth the hype.

2010-01-17T22:32:00.003-06:00

The Brett Favre experiment isn't done yet, but so far, it has been a resounding success. So much so that the most overhyped team of the year got their asses handed to them. I'm willing to bet the Saints will be heavily favored amongst the pundits this weekend against the Vikings.

If the Vikes win next week, they have the chance to play the Jets in the Superbowl. That will be a huge story line. It almost feels like the stars aligned so Brett Favre can accomplish everything he's ever wanted. He broke a bunch of records again this season (my favorite being he's the only player to beat all 32 teams). He beat the Cowboys for the first time in the playoffs. His NFC championship game against the Saints is being played in the same dome where he won his Super Bowl ring. He grew up a Saints fan, so this is like a homecoming game, possibly his last. He had the best statistical year of his storied career. And if the Jets make it to the Superbowl, it's like a perfect scripted ending to the season. The only thing that would have made the playoffs more like a movie script is if the Packers had made it to the NFC Championship game.

I'm excited for next weekend. It can't come fast enough.

post script (thanks matty)
I am going to try to update my blog more often in the foreseeable future. Sorry I let it sit idle for so long. School had a strangle hold on me, but that is over. Bigger and better things are on the horizon. Stay tuned.

Brett Favre II

2009-05-05T17:31:00.006-05:00

Brett Favre.

Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Favre Favre Favre, Brett Brett Favre. Packers, Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett, Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Brett Brett Brett.

Brett Favre?

BRETT FAVRE! B-B-B-Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre.

Favre Favre Brett Favre Favre Minnesota Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Vikings Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Favre Favre Favre, Brett Brett Favre.

Brett Favre.

two great tastes that go great together.

2009-05-05T12:30:00.008-05:00

You know the best thing about having a kid? Sure it's emotionally rewarding. I get that whole miracle of life thing. The fact that there is a person that is part you is pretty sweet, but that's not what I'm talking about.

The best thing about having a kid is that you can play with toys. On top of that, you can buy toys that you want to play with. Luckily for me, there is a cyclical life span t toys. Companies will take them off the shelf for certain periods of time so that interest and nostalgia will kick in and create a demand for those toys.

Legos and Transformers were my faves as kids. Those never really went away, but Transformers recently re-released the original lineups for some of the more popular original transformers. The ones that I had when I was a kid. Like the original Optimus Prime. I got my hands... ahem... I bought the reissues of some of them for my son. Yeah. That's the ticket. Anyway, I played Transformers with the kid, and although he's too young to be able to transform some of the guys 100% (for 3.5 he does an amazing job), his motor skills and problem solving are definitely better than most kids his age because of these toys (either that or he's just way above average naturally... but he is my kid, so you see the conundrum.. genetics vs. environment). But that's not the focus...

Legos are sweet too. I used to play for hours and build huge things out of them. I once made a space shuttle out of the pieces. It was as tall as I was at the time. Nowadays, Lego has done some pretty cool things, like partnering with Star Wars to release little Lego sets of really cool Star Wars ships and the like. So my kid and I play Legos almost everyday.

I had a thought a week or so ago though. What if Lego partnered with the Transformers? If this happens I really want a piece of the action. It would be huge. I love the idea of being able to build things that change into other things, so I gave it a shot. below are some pictures of what I came up with with my limited resources. And to the finished product's credit, it's still together a week or so later. My kid hasn't destroyed it yet (that is an amazing feat).

Here is the vehicle mode picture:

and here it is in robot mode:

Obviously, not the coolest thing ever, but I love the concept. Let me know what you think. Lego, make this happen.

What the...?!?!

2009-04-30T11:02:00.003-05:00

Is Seth Godin talking directly to me today or what?

Read what he wrote here.

He better not be, or I will rain the fists around his neck and shoulders. If not, Have a good day Seth. Keep up the good work. I read your blog everyday.

P.s.
I didn't know there was that kind of money in blogging, even is it is on in 10,000. Now I know. Guess what I'm gonna do...

Again, this ain't me.

2009-04-22T00:46:00.013-05:00

Every so often I come across a picture of some dude trying to look like me. Here's the last guy.

Here's the next guy:
Batman: The Dark Knight has been out for a while. So have the Wendy's 3conomic ads. But there's this guy, his name is David Dastmalchian, he was in these commercials AND The Dark Knight and he is totally pretending to be me. I hate this guy. A lot (not really. Call me, we can do a brotherly sitcom). Not nearly as much as I hate Hugh Jackman for stealing the role of Wolverine from me, but still, it's up there. Especially because of the whole Joker link Here's his pick from imdb.com:

And then there's this guy:

(picture found here)

Bask in his glory. When you are done staring for two and a half minutes, click here.

I'm the proud new daddy...

2009-04-22T00:39:00.003-05:00

...of my new online portfolio.

Check it out here.

This ain't like the last time I posted "my portfolio" on this blog. That was a joke. And it was funny. You should have seen your face.

This real portfolio will change every so often, so come back and check it once in a while. And let me know what you think.

Quick Recap.

2009-04-22T00:22:00.006-05:00

Here's a brief 500 word summary of the blog so far. Let me know which word is your fave (click on the pic to make it bigger).

courtesy of Wordle.

I know, I know. It's been a long while...

2009-03-18T20:40:00.003-05:00

And I'm sorry. I bet all bloggers go through this at one point or another.

I've been getting my butt handed to me (which when visualized is quite a funny thing to say) by school. I've dropped the ball and all my story lines have kinda been pushed aside. Since it's been sooooo long, I want to ask y'all a favor.

Do some rereading of this blog and let me know what your favorite subjects are to date (post 'em in the comments section). I have some plans for new story lines and such, but I don't want to completely abandon the story lines I've already done. Y'all are in control of the kind of entertainment I revisit.

So do some reading and let me know.

I look forward to reading what y'all like. Also, feel free to tell me what you don't like. Then I know for sure which ones not to go to.

Have you ever been cursed?

2009-01-26T01:03:00.002-06:00

When I was in high school, I used to be friends with this one guy. He knows who he is. Bastard. Why so rough, you ask? Well, the dude cursed me. I was hanging out with him one day when I happened to glance at a digital clock that said 12:34. He then proceeded to do this mumbo jumbo voodoo crap and said, from this day forward I curse you so that every time you look at the clock, it will be 12:34.

Now, the curse didn't go down exactly as he foretold. I was able to look at clocks unconsciously, in passing, or if someone asked me what time it was. But if I did look at a clock, it would say 12:34. And this started 15 years ago (I graduated HS in '94). That's a long damn time to be seeing 12:34 everyday.

There was a brief reprieve the last couple of months. I seemed to have gotten "over" this curse... or maybe I just didn't care anymore. Whatever the reason, I didn't see it much if ever.

Until my wife asked me one day if I saw 12:34 anymore. Sure enough, the reprieve was lifted and I have seen 12:34 everytime it has been on a clock since then. MOTHER OF PEARL, it's maddening.

I have a plan though. I think I know how to get rid of it. I need to transfer the curse, so since you have read this simple blog post I am now cursing you with seeing 12:34 on a clock whenever you consciously look. This won't take effect until you forget about this, so go ahead and look at a clock right now to get it out of your system.

Enjoy the world of 12:34.

The feel good commercial of the year.

2009-01-26T00:54:00.004-06:00

And this year is just starting. I can safely say that this commercial will be untoppable (I just made up a word!) for the rest of the year. I only have one regret in life now, and that is not having been at the train station when this took place.

Watch for yourself.

weird numbers...

2009-01-11T22:54:00.004-06:00

I was checking my Google Analytics account, like I mentioned in my post about Germany, and there were a couple of neat numbers... let me show you:

I know, right? Weird.

Is this another sign of the end to come like laid out in this post?

The current state of pro football from the last place you would think to hear it.

2009-01-11T22:24:00.004-06:00

It has been a completely unexpected playoff season. The fact that the Cardinals are as far as they are is against the will of all that is holy. My favorite author, George R. R. Martin, has a blog and is a football fan (Giants and Jets specifically). On his blog he basically equated the Cards going this far as a sign of the end times. He also pointed out that three of the final four teams are birds. Ravens, Eagles, and Cardinals. This is the first playoff season where a rookie QB has won two play off games (Joe Flacco of the Ravens). This is a post season that could end up in an all Pennsylvania Super Bowl. Eagles vs Steelers. Philadelphia vs Pittsburgh. If TV has taught me anything, the people of Pennsylvania are crazy (ref: It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia). So if this happens, one half of the state is going to burn whomever wins.

The talking heads of sports have all been wrong this post season too. They're usually 50/50, but they have been sooooo wrong. The only team that's where they "should" be (according to the aforementioned talking heads) is the Steelers. The rest of the teams are complete upsets. For example, the Eagles beating the Giants today is the first time a sixth seeded NFC team has beat a 1st seeded team. It's happened twice before in the AFC. I was rooting for the Giants so the Vikes would have a proxy win. We beat the Giants the last three times we played them, the Eagles beat us last week; if the Giants had won, we would have beaten the Eagles by proxy. Like last year. The Vikes handed the Giants their ass. If I recall correctly, we picked off Manning 4 times (2 for defensive touchdowns). It was the worst beating they took all year. They eventually went on to win one of the most storied Super Bowls, knocking the up-til-then undefeated Patriots on their ass in a squeaker. In conclusion of this point, the Giants beat the "beast team ever" Patriots in the Super Bowl, but the Vikes handed the Giants the most soul crushing defeat they had since the game where the Vikes whooped them the year before, ergo, The Vikes won the Super Bowl.

Don't try to talk me out of it. I need this. It's called delusional hope.

Weather Patterns.

2009-01-11T22:19:00.002-06:00

I was watching the local news (as a side note, our local news is arguably the best local news in the country... I know from experience) and the weather report came on. They showed a giant purple blob creeping over Minnesota. I've seen these giant blobs before on TV. But I've never seen one in the wild.

I've lived through lots of really crappy weather, including an actual hurricane, and even then I didn't see a giant purple blob in the sky. What the heck?

Sock Puppet the Third.

2009-01-09T22:05:00.003-06:00

Here's the second TV commercial length Sock Puppet commercial Travis Kragh, Matthew Gilman, and I did. To see the others that have been posted thus far, click HERE.

I've been removed from these for a while and can't tell if they are funny anymore. Let me know what you think.

Just like Hasselhoff.

2009-01-09T11:43:00.004-06:00

Turns out I'm huge in Germany. I was just checking out my Google Analytics account that tells me where my visitors are from and lots of other numbers/statistics/information related to website visits (for instance, in the last month, I have had 666 unique visitors to the site. Scary). Also, in that last month I have had 47 visitors from Germany. That's more than any other country except the US (as far as I can tell). Even more than our neighbors to the north, Santa and his Elves. So watch your back Hasselhoff. I'm gunning for you. And I want to star in the New Night Rider too. Not Baywatch though. Don't care for that. Although I'm more likely to end up in a drunken stupor, shirtless, eating fast food while a previously beloved family member records the whole extravaganza (see below). If you are visiting from a country that isn't the USofA, please post about it in the comments. I would love to meet some people from a different part of the world.

The Argument Against Time Machines.

2009-01-09T10:37:00.006-06:00

So I ponder this a lot. Why don't we have Time Machines? I believe that it's possible to move around in time. In fact, it may already be happening (just google "CIA Time Machine"), but the general population knows nothing of it. Or do they? Nope. They don't. I think that time travel is already a developed technology. I don't think it's a lack of ingenuity and technology why time travel isn't widely used (could you imagine being able to go back and view the dinosaurs in the Garden of Eden? Sweet.). I do think it's all about being practical.

A. The smell.
If someone were to go back in time more than say, 150 years and especially 1,000 years or more, they would be overwhelmed by the smell. No toothpaste/toothbrushes, no showers, no deodorant. And worse, no toilets (in the modern sense) or toilet paper (try shaking hands in the Dark Ages...). You know when you are talking to someone with halitosis, but you didn't know they had it? You get that knee jerk reaction that's a cross between a horrible gag reflex and the unending desire to punch them in the face. Now multiply that by a gazillion. Lots of puking and punching.

B. No Starbucks.
Kinda self-explanitory...

C. Desire.
Now this covers a multitude of things. The biggest is the "what if I do step on this butterfly?" syndrome. That's where the person that goes back in time decides he (or a time-traveling-she) can play God and change the course of events for everyone by tweaking something small. Or curiosity gets the best of him (or a time-traveling-her) and they decide they want to see how much it actually does change the time stream to step on a butterfly. Eventually something disastrous will happen. Like all the honey bees will start disappearing. Wait a minute... And let's not even start on the lottery winning.

D. Disease.
Now this one is probably the biggest reason, which is why I saved it for last. The big finish, if you will. And if you won't, well, there's the imaginary door. Do you remember in fifth grade when we learned about American history? Specifically the part where the settlers and expansionists gave the Native Americans disease ridden blankets? If you don't, quick recap: a bunch of them died. The same is possible if someone with the common cold or flu of today goes back in time about a thousand years. The common cold of today is an extremely advanced version of the cold or flu that lived back then, just evolved for over a thousand years. Like the Terminator of viruses, sent from the future to destroy anyone in it's way. People in the past don't have the antibodies to deal with the common illnesses of today and thusly would die in waves... like the bubonic plague. Hmmm. You don't think... do you? Anyway, the same could be said for the future people. You never know if they are going to come across (came across? I mean this is past tense) a disease that is extinct today. Imagine if they contract something from an ancient hooker (another form of the "desire" problem). Something like a horrible crotch eating disease that wasn't recorded anywhere but eventually died out because people with plague eaten crotches can't procreate (so the tale of said disease can't spread) and sans crotch, no spreading the disease. In our sex crazed society today, the crotch eating disease would scour the world. Paris Hilton would die within a week.

Anyway, to recap:
Time Travel is cool, but dangerous (deloreans going 88 miles per hour then bursting into flame... think of all the ruined photo huts). There is no telling what would happen if someone without some extreme discipline and training were to go back in time. Back to the future is a small example of this. Marty McFly nearly ruined his existence, but ended up ruining Biff's, thereby messing with the natural order of the strongest surviving. And while we are on the subject, wouldn't the gambling Biff did in the second movie change the outcomes of future games by the huge amounts he won, and therefor change the future and his ability to always find the winner? You think it would.

These are things I think about.

Yet Another Gift.

2008-12-30T21:58:00.007-06:00

I want to thank Josh Madison again for doing this originally. I'm really diggin' it. Photoshop is absolutely amazing and I learn something new almost every time I open the program.

This is another of the Desktop Pictures for you and yours. Spread the love, tell your friends if you like it. Also, I'm am way up for suggestions and relish the challenge that would bring.

Here's the list of all the images to date.

The following one is the one that's rockin' my desktop right now.

And the same rules apply:
Click on the image and a new window will open showing the image in a large format. On a Mac, hold down the "control" key and click on the large image. From the menu, select "Save Image to Downloads" or something similar. Make it your desktop. Viola!

Smurfs vs Vikings.

2008-12-30T21:17:00.008-06:00

I know I'm overdue for a Smurf post, so I thought I'd get the next Smurf card up at an appropriate time.

I understand the title says Vikings and the card has a baseball Smurf in it. So what? Peyo mocks your baseball. He's truly a football guy at heart. Just ask Hefty, arguably the Smurf closest to Peyo's heart. Hefty is Peyo's ideal. Football is the ideal game. No other game in the world requires so many pieces to move in synchronized aggressiveness like football. It's like really fast paced chess that spends a lot of time in the gym. And shooting up steroids.

Speaking of which, congrats to the Vikes on making the playoffs. So what if it was an extraordinarily ugly season overall, they made it in and that's all that matters. I believe this team is less then the sum of their parts. They have some of the most amazing players in the game today: Adrian Peterson and Chester Taylor, Jared Allen, all the Williamses, Antoine Winfield, Darren Sharper, Matt Birk, Steve Hutchinson, and on and on. A lot of teams can say that they aren't as good as their potential, but this is a team that has some of the best players in specific categories. Leading rusher, a pass rusher, two of the best offensive linemen, the best defensive line, the most underrated corner in the NFL (finally made the Pro-Bowl) and on and on... You can twist statistics in sports to say something interesting about every player in the game, like Bernard Berrian has the highest yards-per-catch statistic in the league, but that means little when he's producing as little as he is. And that can be said about almost all the players on the team. Adrian Peterson is the best rusher in the league and put up the yards to prove it, maybe the best ever (to early to tell for sure) but our record doesn't show it. Our defense is the best against the run and gets better against the pass every game, but again, our record doesn't show it. This was very close to being another season where the Vikes imploded at the end. It was also almost another "Back into the Play-Offs" end of year.

But they won against the Giants.

I have good feelings about this team. I like their chances. I really do. The roster is full of huge talent. They are starting to peak right now. If the spirit of the team can remain high, then the Vikes will be unstoppable.

What does this have to do with the card you ask? Plenty. The Vikings are an excellent example of life. When the team has confidence, is playing with spirit, and enjoying the game, they truly are one of the best teams in the league. Peyo understands this. Peyo is saying you are more than the sum of your parts when you have the right attitude. The undeniable genius of Peyo has blessed us once more with his wisdom. Peyo is also saying baseball is overrated and is no longer America's past time. It's Japan's pass time now.

They can have it.

Another Gift.

2008-12-29T01:21:00.005-06:00

I've been messing with "the Photoshop" again and I came up with a brighter, happier desktop picture for your holiday enjoyment. I like me some abstract, so that's the feel of this one and the last one. If this becomes popular, I will vary the style of pics created to appease my audience. So if you are one of those audience members, feel free to post in the comments section with suggestions, or anything else you want to talk about... like why your mom drinks more during Christmas time.

The instructions from my last post still apply:
Click on the image and a new window will open showing the image in a large format. On a Mac, hold down the "control" key and click on the large image. From the menu, select "Save Image to Downloads" or something similar. Make it your desktop. Viola!

A gift for you and yours.

2008-12-24T02:37:00.004-06:00

So after some experimentation (with photoshop you pervs) I came up with an image that I really dig. In the holiday spirit, I thought I would give it to y'all for Christmas, or Hanukkah (or Hanukah, or Chanukah...), or Kwanza, or the Winter Solstice, or whatever.

I'm using it as my computer's desktop right now as I type this.

Let me know what you think (and thanks to Josh for the idea). Not really a festive image, but I dig it. Click on the image and a new window will open showing the image in a large format. On a Mac, hold down the "control" key and click on the large image. From the menu, select "Save Image to Downloads" or something similar. Make it your desktop. Viola!

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2008-12-22T12:47:00.001-06:00

And don't forget the real reason for the season:

Just a thought.

2008-12-16T12:04:00.002-06:00

What if koalas were smart enough to play video games? Those little buggers have four thumbs. They'd rule. Probably need a nail trimming though.

The role I worked for my whole life, stolen out from under me, yet again...

2008-12-16T00:31:00.007-06:00

This movie is going to be huge. And for good reason. It is about the coolest comic book character ever created. Sure, some people may think that he's overrated or it's not cool to like him because of how popular he is (which is the only reason anybody would say they don't like Radiohead). Well, those people are dumb. That character:

WOLVERINE

Hugh Jackman has been on the bottom of my list as an actor for a while now. Not because he's a bad actor... He's quite good actually. It's because he stole my role. I even have the sideburns. I would be willing to have real spring-loaded blades installed into my arms just so they wouldn't have to waste money on CGI trickery. 3 X-Men movies were made without me in them. I will not forgive anyone for that. I should shave my 'burns out of protest. But I won't.

Anyway, I just saw the trailer for the new movie that features Wolverine. I have to say that I have never hated Hugh Jackman more, but the movie looks AWESOME. Here's the trailer:

a highlight of my childhood...

2008-12-15T11:35:00.005-06:00

I didn't have much as a kid. And by much, I really many anything. My first toy that I remember was a piece of duct tape with some hair on it. Later in life I had a box of second hand legos mixed in with a couple nice new packs. The older I got, the better my parents' jobs paid and therefore, the better the toys we got as well. Eventually, I had a few Transformers (the best toys ever!) and eventually i received a couple of GI Joes. But never did I have possessions to the same degree that my friends did. They got everything they ever wanted, which is why I never invited my friends over. Very little to do.

There was one set of toys that I did get a lot of. I'm not really sure why. Maybe because they were cheaper than the other toys (I don't actually know because I had no concept of money back then...). Over the years I built up a nice collection of He-Man action figures. And I never missed an episode.

So, without further ado, this right here is one of the most beloved memories of my childhood:

I have no idea what I saw in this show. This is worse than watching Webster.

I just think this is funny.

2008-12-13T08:27:00.003-06:00

I get the giggles every time i see this.

Maybe my last Billy Zane posting ever....

2008-12-13T02:23:00.007-06:00

So I think Billy Zane is a talented mofo. It's no secret. And he is attractive for a dude. Look at his eyes and tell me you don't melt inside. C'mon, do it.

But I came across something last week that crushed me. And I know that I've seen this before, but I have to believe that I blocked it out. Too traumatic.

Billy Zane sold his soul to the Devil, Ben Stiller. Have I ever mentioned to you that I think Ben Stiller is the Devil? I haven't? Well the clues are all there. He has the simian like features that another incarnation of the night, President George W. Bush, has. I think this "axis of monkey like people," if you will, is slowly being removed from power by those with a higher purpose. Thank dog. I can't take another cookie cutter Stiller flick. Or another term of W for that matter. But that's not what this post is about and will be saved for a later time.

This post is about Billy Zane selling his soul to the Stiller. I can't believe that I didn't remember this, but Billy Zane was in Zoolander. Arguably the biggest turd ever to come from Stiller out of a large pile of manure. And definitely the low point for one Owen Wilson, the glimmering jewel of Hollywood. I grant you that Stiller has some decent flicks, like W has a couple of decent accomplishments, but the bad greatly outweighs the good. Billy Zane is now tarnished so badly in my eyes that maybe nothing will make him gleam for me ever again. Not even a sequel to Titanic. What a great movie that would make, huh? The boat already sank in the first one, what do you think it would do the next time? Hmmmm? No one would see the ending coming this time.

I do not know how I feel about this. I know that everyone has to pay their dues, especially in Hollywood, but I thought Billy Zane had done that already. Maybe he was doing a favor for someone. Trying to make a script as bad as Zoolander into something with promise. Even the Mighty Billy Zane doesn't have that kind of talent. I would argue that no one does. Unless they had a lightsaber. That would be pretty cool.

Billy Z, if you are out there and can read this, please, please, post in the comments why you did this to yourself. I swear that it seems like you are trying your hardest to stay out of the high gleam of the spotlight that you obviously so richly deserve. Quit sabotaging your own career to make yourself feel like a tortured artist. You are too old for that now. Only 20-somethings can pull that off now-a-days. And they look douchy when they do it. Imagine how that makes you look.

I don't know what to do Billy, I really don't.

Another Sock Puppet Ad...

2008-12-13T02:13:00.006-06:00

Well, If you haven't watched the extended Listerine Pocket Pack Sock Puppet director's cut yet, feel free to click here.

If you have, watch it again cuz I want the number of viewings to skyrocket. Viral, baby!

Anyway, the following ad is one that is meant for television and is therefor much shorter than the extended Listerine Pocket Pack Sock Puppet director's cut. It's only 30 seconds long.

And keep in mind, that this is pretty awesome. Quan said so. So there's that.

Just wait until you see the others. Lots of 'em. Lots.

Let me know what you think.

This is the future:

2008-12-12T12:00:00.004-06:00

Like most things done by Apple, this ad will be the future of online advertising. watch what it does to the actual website it is on...

Smurf Card #6

2008-12-12T00:54:00.007-06:00

Been a while. Wanna catch up? Read these quick.

On to the main attraction...

Serendipitously, this next card comes at a very opportune moment. No other Smurf card has resonated with me at the exact right time like this one has. I just finished up what is arguably the hardest three months I have ever had to endure (not including deaths in the family of course). The main reason: TV class with Quan Hoang. I put more effort into TV class than I have in anything else except my marriage, and I assure you my wife would contest that point. On top of that, I had one of the most demanding teachers in Casey Brewer for a class called "Image, Parity, and Long Copy." Not an easy class, to say the least. There was another class that was very time consuming, because I didn't know what the hell I was doing. That was "Computer: Layout and Design" with Ted Dahmen and my god what a difficult tri this has been. I was averaging 4 hours of sleep a night. I was literally working all the way up until 15 minutes before my critique. So tired.

Which brings us full circle to the Smurf Card:

I think with this card Peyo is giving me a reprieve from working so hard all the time. I'm kind of an all or nothing guy, so when I work, I WORK. When I don't, well duh. In the spirit of that reprieve, I am not going to think to hard about this card. I want to extend the soul of this card to all my faithful readers: Enjoy your downtime. Don't take life too seriously.

there are still 17 more cards to go, so stay tuned, check back often, subscribe to the blog, and tell all your friends!

Proof that I don't know what is funny anymore.

2008-12-12T00:32:00.005-06:00

We were assigned Listerine Breath strips in my TV class a few weeks ago. Rather than showing any benefits of the product, my teammates and I thought it would be funny to... well, why don't you watch for yourself:

Sure, they are entertaining. Sure, they are funny. And I bet some would even say they're clever. I would argue that this is one of a handful of the best Listerine ads ever created. No I wouldn't. Or would I?

All I know is that they were both a pain in the ass and an amazing amount of fun to make.

I want to do an experiment and I need your help. If you like them, please tell everyone you have ever met about them. If you don't like them, tell everyone else. I want to see how high the numbers go on this commercial. If the number of views goes high enough, I may be able to refer to this ad as "viral." I don't exactly know what that means, but I hear it's a good thing.

Unlike the other stuff I've heard about that's viral. ...Not so good.

And for the record:
Glenn Chipman: Art Director, Actor, Voice talent, Director, Friend to Penguins.
Travis Kragh: Art Director, Actor, Voice talent (I dare you.), Bringer of Pizza, and Sock molester.
Matthew Gilman: Copy Writer, Voice Talent, Ticking time bomb, Mad-Ad-libber, Bearded Wonder.

p.s.
More sock puppets to come. LOTS more.

THE COOLEST THING EVER.

2008-11-27T23:29:00.005-06:00

And this isn't Hyperbole. I swear it.

For a very long time in my life... around 2/3rds of it, Bruce Lee has been my absolute hero. NO ONE holds a candle to him. Except maybe my grandfather, but that dude can't do this:

Watch it in full screen and prepare to have your mind blown. This is 100% real. Bruce was the master of the nunchucks. He could do anything with them. Imagine the type of control one would have to have to be able to make a ping pong ball go where you want it to with what is basically a round stick going 70 miles per hour at it's slowest.

OMG.

p.s.
in the final death throws of this trimester at school. I will have more smurfs for you in the not too distant future. And hopefully lots more clever things.

Another wow moment...

2008-11-06T12:38:00.004-06:00

Don't worry my pretties, more Smurfs are on the way.

But until then, check out this eleven year old playing what is arguably the most important song in my life.

I know, right? If I could have played that well at the age of eleven, then everyone would know who I am by now, and not just you readers I've suckered into checking this blog...

wow. just wow.

2008-10-31T00:12:00.008-05:00

I have run the spectrum of the word wow today.

First, a good thing:

(full screen this!)

Then an amazingly thought out thing:

I whole heartedly agree.

Smurf Card 5

2008-10-24T00:10:00.008-05:00

Hello.

I bet you're wondering where card #4 is. Me too. As I stated in a previous Smurf card related post, no one man can ever possess all of the Smurf cards. Too much wisdom for one man. Having said that, lets get on to number 5.

What the hell?

Peyo, I do not mean to doubt your infinite wisdom, as you are the Creator, but what can this mean? In advertising, this style of showing something and saying the same thing is called see-say. A definite no-no. Am I tarnished now? Has my training as an ad student blocked my vision into the mysteries that are the Smurfs? I beg you Peyo, open my eyes...

Are you asking us to stay well preserved?
Are you warning us of the impending Smurfocalypse and the resultant Ice Age that follows?
Is this some kind of endurance test we must attempt in order to become more enlightened.?

I must admit, I tried contemplating this card for a while. I fasted, I meditated, then I got rickets from fasting and bedsores from sitting in the same place meditating for so long, but nothing came to mind. My heart tells me that "The End Is Nigh," my brain tells me, "Layer, layer layer," and my stomach tells me, "Mmmm. Salami." I haven't eaten dinner yet, so my stomach may win this round.

What can y'all tell me of this card. I think it's above me.

"Advertising" at it's sneakiest

2008-10-20T14:08:00.002-05:00

This isn't advertising in the normal client/agency sense, but it sure is clever. In a horribly devious kind of way.

What say you?

TV is hard.

2008-10-18T00:58:00.007-05:00

We'll now take a quick break from our regularly scheduled Smurf-cast to bring you news from my real life:

If you've been a follower of this blog, then you know that I'm in advertising school. If you happen to have happened upon this blog by hitting the "Next Blog" button at the top of the window, then welcome. Go read some of the backlog of posts then come back when you are up to speed.

Back to Ad-School...

This trimester at school (sounds like I'm pregnant. how coincidental), I'm in one of the coolest classes of all time: TV. I was raised by TV. I have almost every theme song ever made memorized. Challenge me next time you see me. I dare you. I have always felt I was cut out for something in TV. Be it acting, directing, writing, and/or catering.

We had our first BIG assignment in TV. Go and create a "viral" brand piece for Drive Thru Productions (google 'em for more info. Sweet little shop) from scratch in a week. We got the assignment on a Wednesday night. Oddly, not a television oriented piece, but fun none the less. One week is not a lot of time. You have to concept the idea, write it out, storyboard it, find the director and/or camera guy, find a cast, find locations, find music for the commercial, make costumes, film the commercial, edit the commercial, and distribute the commercial. This was especially fun because I don't have any free time.

Well, the ball got rolling right away and the idea was ready the night it was assigned. Got a Director/Camera guy on board the next day, found the cast and made the costumes (arguably the hardest part. You'll see why) over the next couple of days. Shot it on Sunday and saw a rough cut on Monday. Took Monday and Tuesday off to half-ass my homework for my other classes, tee-hee. Then stayed up 'til 5:30 in the AM editing the final cut that was presented to the class. here it is:

I know. Can you believe this was voted as number two? I am just as surprised as you are. It made it all the way up to two because I payed the judges. This video was beat out by two good friends of mine, Matt Brickner and Scott Backer. Here's a link to a post on Scott's blog that has the winning video.

Let me know what y'all think. I really liked doing this and think I could have a future in it. Holla back.

p.s.
The cast:
Mom- Michelle Swanson
Dad: Justin Damstrom
Baby: some random doll my wife has.
Toddler: My son.
Teenager: Andy Santamaria
Girlfriend: Mallory Backman
Nanny: Me. And that is only because Billy Zane won't return my phone calls. You see this Billy? This short-film went all the way to number two (out of 8)! Suck on that. Bet you'll be returning my calls now, huh?

Oh yeah, and...
Director/Camera Guy: Luke Walford

Smurf Card 3

2008-10-16T12:42:00.005-05:00

Here's the next installment of the world wise Smurf Cards. Now, if you are a long time headinablog reader, fear not. I am not making this into a Smurf-only blog. There are a lot of things I would like to discuss and they are coming, but right now, I have some things I would like to share with you.

This, for example:

On the surface, this card may appear like a simple affirmation about taking time to relax, but is that all it is? Or is it that at all?

Could it be that this card is mocking the lazy? Those that do things only half-assed. Those that "phone it in." Those that are living in "cruise control." Those that don't use every scrap of life in them to make the world a better place for all Smurf-kind. This is the route I believe Peyo was going. I mean, look at the Smurf Village! Those mushrooms aren't going to hollow themselves out now are they? Peyo doesn't believe in sitting on one's laurels. Peyo is about the future. Even thought the Smurfs are set in medieval times, the Smurfs were always ahead of the curve. Again, take the Smurf Village as an example. The Smurfs invented modular housing approximately 1,000 years before we as Americans perfected it. I would go as far as saying they are very European (duh). You can't get more polyamorous than one women for 100+ dudes. And Handy Smurf Created a frekin' robot! It's true. Google it. Its name is Clockwork Smurf.

Very progressive, very forward thinking these Smurfs.

Of course there is another option. To us T.G.I.F. means "thank goodness it's Friday." To the Smurfs it might mean something else, like:

-That Gargamel is Funny
-Tailer-Smurf Gets in Front
-Tree Gloves in Fashion
-Tiny Germans Ingest Fungus
-That's Good It's Fighting
-The Grand Investment Futures

But then again, Maybe Peyo is saying it's OK to take a moment for yourself every now and then. But I doubt it. I really doubt it.

What do you think? What else could T.G.I.F. stand for for a Smurf?

Smurf Card 2

2008-10-07T10:28:00.007-05:00

This is the second installment in a long list of mind expanding Smurf cards.

With this particular card from 1982, we need to keep in mind that Peyo (in his infinite wisdom) and his minions designed the entire American version of the Smurf village with only 99 Smurfs. And only one of them was a female. For those not blessed with basic math skills, that means there were 98 male Smurfs in the Smurf village back in 1982.

With that in mind, take a look at todays addition:

During my sheltered upbringing, I can not ever remember a time that it was socially acceptable for one man to hold the hand of another, much less three men (though I've never had an issue with it. C'est la vie). In 1982 this was a huge declaration. At the time, the only other groups making this declaration were "Wham!" and "The Village People." To contemplate the real meaning of this card, one needs to question the sexuality of Peyo himself. Was the Great Creator himself gay? There has always been speculation that the Smurfs at least dabbled. I mean seriously, Smurfette is nothing more than "Grace" to the rest of the village's "Will."

Ultimately, this card isn't about homosmurfuality, it's about being true to one's self regardless of the consequences. Either that or, "When in the Smurf Village, do as the Smurfs do."

(little known fact: Papa Smurf and Smurfette were added to quiet critics of an all male cast and to stem the flow of "adult" parodies in 1975)

Smurf Card 1

2008-10-04T22:36:00.008-05:00

You've all been waiting patiently. Consider your wait over.

This is the first card in the Smurf card series. Admittedly, I do not have all the cards in the series in my possession as no one man can ever have all the wisdom contained within the cards. That was never Peyo the Great's intent and would be the first sign of the Smurfocalypse. The amount of insight each card contains is overwhelming. A simple man, such as myself, could spend a lifetime meditating on just one card.

Take the first card as an example:

Think about the juxtaposition of the line versus the image. "Keep talking... I'm listening." After half a month of contemplation, I believe this to mean that one should be open at all times to communication from others. Even when sleeping. Especially when sleeping. I insist that you listen to the voices you hear when your eyes are closed. That would be the smurfy thing to do.

What do you think?

More to come. Lots more.

the teaser...

2008-09-21T00:39:00.005-05:00

Look what I found at a garage sale earlier this summer. Jealous?

If you look closely, you will see a copyright date of 1982 (click on the picture). These are the real deal. Petrified blue gum stick and all.

Wanna see the cards inside? Well, reread the title of this post.

The feel good bird of the century.

2008-09-10T21:25:00.008-05:00

Before I started blogging, I sent this video around to my friends. All 3 of them. So if you are one of the few, I apologize for this.

I was just sorting through my email to free up space in my gmail account and I rediscovered this fantastic bird. I wish I had a bird just like it with one exception: He dances to Nine Inch Nails. Then we could get our groove on.

Anyway, I sincerely hope this brightens your day. Enjoy:

R.I.P. "In a World" Guy.

2008-09-02T09:43:00.003-05:00

Don LaFontaine, the most recognized voice in movie trailers, died from complications of a collapsed lung. The vocal master was the voice over guy for all of the best movies. I bet he was even the trailer-voice for The Best Movie Ever.

My thoughts and prayers go out to his friends and family. His voice will truly be missed in the months leading up to summer blockbuster season. There will never be a voice as suited to action movie voice over work as his.

Having said that, there is now a void. A void I think I can fill. Click Here to revisit a post of mine from a few months ago that's directly related. I have a good feeling about my chances. Don LaFontaine was from Duluth even!

The full story is here.

In all seriousness, rest in peace Don LaFontaine.

I seem to be stuck.

2008-08-25T11:46:00.003-05:00

I don't have any pressing projects or anything like that, but I am beginning to feel like I am losing that creative spark that I usually carry around (maybe it's the lack of pressing projects). School's going to start in a few weeks and I am going to need it back so I don't fall behind. That's where y'all come in...

What inspires you? What kind of process do you do to turn on the creative juices? I was hoping y'all would share some ideas with me. Post them in the comment section and I'll read them over, give 'em a shot and report back here what I find out.

Looking forward to hearing some great ideas!

Brett Favre.

2008-08-15T00:25:00.005-05:00

Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Favre Favre Favre, Brett Brett Favre. Packers, Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett, Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Brett Brett Brett.

Brett Favre?

BRETT FAVRE! B-B-B-Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre.

Favre Favre Brett Favre Favre Jets Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre Brett Favre. Favre Favre Favre, Brett Brett Favre.

Brett Favre.

It happened again! (sorta)

2008-08-07T11:47:00.009-05:00

Everything's been done before. I've come to terms with that.

There are only a certain number of possible combinations of images and ideas. I've come to terms with that too.

What I can't seem to grasp, is how ideas that I am either currently working on or recently completed seem to pop up in the real world. Absolutely amazing, and not in a good way.

Read this for an example.

Now check out this campaign that Travis Kragh and I worked on (Andy Cosgrove did the photography and Justin Bigger is the model):

Now that you've seen the campaign up close, I would like you to look at the last one specifically. The lighting is exactly how we envisioned it. The mood is just what we wanted. Now look at this ad for Wrangler. (wouldn't let me upload a picture... may try later) This comparison is different then the last ad of mine that appeared in the wild because the concepts are different. The problem here is that the styles are almost exactly the same. That generally wouldn't be a huge deal, except in this case where the competitive ads are for jeans too. You can't look like your competitor.

Grrrr.

Whatever happened to...

2008-08-06T01:53:00.003-05:00

Max Wright? Now that we have Billy Zane pretty much covered, I'll give you three guesses as to who Max Wright is. Ready?

1.___________
-Nope. Not the computerized talking head in a box. That's Max Headroom. One of my favorite concepts of all time. I'll probably blog about that in the future.

2.___________
-Wrong again. Max Powers was the name Homer Simpson changed his name to. Greatest TV show of all time: all in favor, say "I."

3.___________
-Correct. Max Wright played Willie Tanner in the watershed television show "ALF."

ALF was the pinnacle of the "suspension-of-belief-because-that-character-is-definitely-a-puppet" sitcom viewing trend in the eighties. The writing was good. Better-than-Webster good. Max Wright made the most of it. His incredibly dry delivery made all the over the top one liners ALF threw out that much better. In fact, his incredible verbal cadence would have made him a great fit in my concept for the ultimate buddy movie. ALF and Max have a place in my heart, and only in part to the anti-cat message (I don't like cats.. they aren't trustworthy).

I did check IMDB.com right away this time and he does still work, but generally in really small roles not befitting of a man with the acting chops of Max Wright. Someone should start a petition to get ALF rereleased so a new generation of TV viewers can see Max at his zenith. I'm to busy to do it right now. Any volunteers?

I still have all my teeth.

2008-08-05T22:31:00.004-05:00

Last week, I made a really cool rope swing in the giant old maple in my backyard. It's the kind of swing that has an arc about 30 feet wide, can comfortably go 10-12 feet in the air (and higher if you're not afraid to do it), and is just plain fun. Tucker, who'll be 3 this month loves it. He flies a good 4 feet above my head and screeches and giggles the whole time.

Sounds good, no? Well, we have a neighbor that has four girls that range in age from 1-11. The three oldest, 4, 9, and 11, like coming over and playing with Tucker. However, they love playing with his toys even more. They have been over way more often now that the rope swing is up. Today, I caved in and said I would push them in the swing.

So for about two hours, I pushed the three girls and Tucker on the swing. It was a lot of fun for all, but it did eventually start to tire me out. after a good five turns for every kid, I was pushing the 9 year old girl by running and pushing her over my head as I run underneath. She swings away. I start talking to her sister thinking I'm out of the way.

Without warning, I get a completely outstretched flat foot to the jaw. I heard a loud clicking sound, then I think I was technically unconscious for a split second. I do remember seeing white that turned completely black (I think that's where the term "knock your lights out" comes from, duh). I didn't fall, I hardly moved at all really. I tasted that tooth drilling flavor and blood. One of the girls asked me if I was OK. I said no. Then I walked to the house. I checked my teeth with fingers and tongue on the way there. Lucky for me, I still have all my teeth. The blood is from a hole in my lip. Good times.

Now it may sound like I'm overreacting, but let me reassure you, a nine year old girl on a swing that big could knock out anybody. Let's do the math. A 60 pound nine year old going approximately 25 miles per hour focusing her kinetic energy into a 2.5 inch area equals, I don't know, probably 300 lbs of pressure per square inch. Seriously. A LOT of pressure. I'm lucky I can still eat, but that hurts like the dickens. It's 10 hours later and it still hurts. I have to keep opening and closing my jaw or it sort of seizes shut for a while. I ain't going to the doctor, so don't bother. Worst case scenario, it's cracked and I have to get it wired. I won't give my wife the satisfaction of that.

I found out something important today: I can take a fairly serious blow to the head and still keep my wits somewhat about me. I feel like a real man and all it took was a nine year old girl on a swing.

Update on Billy Zane

2008-08-03T12:37:00.005-05:00

If you are a long time reader of the blog, then you know that I have been worried about Billy Zane's career. I haven't seen him in anything since Titanic. Turns out I wasn't looking hard enough. Check out his entry on IMDB. He's been a busy, busy dude. Just look at the amount of work he has in post production. I wish I was that busy.

In fact, look at his past credits. The two that stick out the most for me are Back to the Future (which looks like his first movie) and Back to the Future II. I LOVE those movies and had no idea Billy Zane was in those. What kind of fan am I? I thought he was sitting on his butt, cashing his Titanic checks waiting for the phone to ring. I was wrong. I'm truly happy for Billy Zane, so Billy if you are reading this, congratulations.

And now begins the Billy-Zane-major-motion-picture-lead-role-watch. Join me, won't you?

p.s.
I would still love to see Billy in this movie.

I'm honored, but...

2008-07-25T23:40:00.003-05:00

Today, I humbly and respectively have to remove my name for consideration as a candidate for the Vice President slot on the tickets of both Barack Obama and John McCain. Through intense soul searching and talks with my advisors, I have determined that I can better serve the country where I am. My quest to get Billy Zane some decent film roles notwithstanding, my family must come first. I do not want to expose them to the type of media frenzy that other candidates families have had to deal with. As an ultimate example of that type of intrusion, take the Bush twins. Especially during the first term. I don't want my child or possible future children having all of their crazy cocaine and booze fueled antics published in a tabloid and splashed all over TV for the entire world to see. That will be kept in the family.

In conclusion, I am honored to even have been considered, but I do not think this is the time nor the forum for me to pursue the political goals I have set for myself. So I will now turn my attention to being the best husband, father, and ad student that I can be. Thank you all for your continued support. God bless America.

I don't know how to feel...

2008-07-19T00:41:00.014-05:00

So.
Ad school.
I'm just learning how to do this stuff, right? Well guess what... Thievery. From a student. For shame!

Look at these ads I did (with Megan Duffy, a very talented AD in her own right) back in March for Mr. Clean:

Not bad, right? We thought so. We were pretty proud of them in fact. We showed them at our end-of-trimester critique. They had some decent feedback. That's nice. We planned on expanding on the sketches and making them into real looking ads, especially now that the photoshop skills are sharpening.

Guess what? (Hint: see "Thievery" from earlier in the post)

Instead of a floor cleaner/polisher, an actual flooring maker (with an agency out of Atlanta GA, so the chances that they had access to these ads is pretty slim... but you never know) made an ad that is almost exactly like the last of the three ads with the exact same message. In fact, when we presented these ads at our critique, we got feedback that said we should use couches and chairs suspended by ropes. That was our plan. Then Scott sent me this:

I know, right? I guess this brings me back to the title. I truly don't know how to feel. I'm kinda angry that I can't finish this ad and put it in my book. But at the same time, I feel pretty good that the idea was good enough that someone else published it. That is kinda cool, I guess. If I can't get credit, at least I know I'm thinking ad worthy ideas. On a lesser note, Sean Jervey (an up and coming copy writer) and I were working on a VW campaign that used the victorian idea of a freak show as it's core theme, only to turn the TV on this week (two weeks after we completed the assignment) to see a car company, BMW I think, use a carnival theme (freak show angle included) in a commercial. Oh well. I'll always have Krispy Kreme.

(p.s... I don't truly believe the ad was stolen. This kind of stuff happens to me all the time. Ask me about the movie Waiting sometime... However, if I do find out that someone stole this from me, HEADS WILL ROLL!!!)

An ad thanks to Richard Smallbone.

2008-07-01T03:06:00.003-05:00

Hey all. Read this.

So Richard gave me the green light and I have a very tentative ad here for you (sans witty tag line...):

(click to enlarge)

Let me (and Richard) know what you think. Thanks for your time!

The new Rick Roll.

2008-06-29T23:15:00.002-05:00

I had fun with the Rick Roll. I did it twice on this blog. Did you get to experience it?

I would like to put the ball in motion for a new misdirection trend. This is actually based on a real life story.

I was chatting with a friend of mine and we were discussing something about advertising, as we are wont to do. He asked me about something, the specifics escape me, but I told him to google NAMBLA to find the answer.

He did.

The next thing he did, less then a minute later was reply back in the chat, "Am I on a watchlist now?" to which I replied, "probably!"

If you would like to know what NAMBLA is, feel free to google it. Otherwise, when people ask you what something is, tell them to google NAMBLA and watch the fun begin. In fact, lets see if y'all can come up with some other situations where people can be duped into this fun little game.

The Economy and my prophetic abilities.

2008-06-29T23:07:00.005-05:00

Not so long ago, I wrote a post about the great rice scare of '08. Read about it HERE.

Turns out, i wasn't that far off. Prostitutes are feeling the sting of the eventual transition to a rice-based economy. First, the oil goes, then the tomatoes start killing people like a cheesy 80's movie, now prostitutes have to bribe people to generate business. What kind of world do we live in were women that are trying to earn an easy living (is it really that easy? I mean, c'mon) by sharing their womanly wiles with truckers and politicians have to resort to handing out gas cards?!?

On a side note, would that persuade you? Gas prices are quickly rising... two birds, one stone....

I'm just saying.

Play Place

2008-06-28T18:42:00.003-05:00

Play Place
Originally uploaded by Richard Smallbone

I found this picture taken by a guy that calls himself Richard Smallbone. I find it to be absolutely breathe taking. If you are of the same mind, you should really check out the rest of his work on flickr.

I'm really hoping Richard will let me use this photo for one of my projects (Richard if you are reading this, this in no way is any form of pressure).

Seriously, this pic kinda smashes my childhood (more so than it already is) into a thousand gnarly, twisted pieces. Nice job Richard.

I could use your help.

2008-06-21T23:03:00.003-05:00

I have to brand myself for a class over the next few weeks. What I'm asking from you is some adjectives that describe me. It doesn't matter how well you know me or how little you know me, I want to hear from everyone. If you don't know me at all, feel free to read the blog a bit and base your opinion on that. The only thing I ask for is that you include at least 3 real adjectives.

Now's your opportunity. Positive or negative. Do your worst and/or your best. Sock it to me (I've always loved that phrase).

I want you to fill the comments section! According to Google Analytics, my blog has had 93 separate individuals and I would love to hear from all of you!

To quote the late, great James Brown:

HIT ME!

Dinosaurs!

2008-06-14T14:16:00.003-05:00

This is another not-so-funny post, but man-o-man, do I have something to share with you.

I just saw what may be the coolest show on the face of the planet. I've seen Cirque du Sole, a dozen or more concerts in large venues, hundreds of concerts in small venues, Shamu's show at Sea World, Sparky's show here at the Como Zoo, ballets, orchestras, plays, movies, and I've even seen Milli Vanilli live (another story for later). It takes a lot to impress me. It also takes a lot for me to have an emotional reaction to something (less so since I became a father, but still...).

Walking with Dinosaurs was sooooo worth it. It's about an hour and a half, and it spans millions of years (depending on your belief system, LOL). This was Tucker's first show out in the world. He's never been to a movie theater or anything like that, although he has seen some live music and such. He was FLOORED. At two and slightly more than 3/4, he was a little overwhelmed at the very beginning, but we were able to talk him off of the ledge and he enjoyed himself for the rest of the show... even though he was scared about 1/3 of the time. I would imagine if he hadn't been there, I wouldn't have had any kind of emotional reaction, being a robot and all, but it was an amazing story.

My favorite part is when the T-Rex trotted out and let out a ROAR that was unparalleled by any of the previous dinosaurs. The reason it was my favorite is that immediately after the roar, a hundred children started crying and screaming. But not Tucker. His eyes were glued to the stage.

Amazing show. Can't say enough good things about it. I guess to enjoy it on the level I did, you may need have a touch of nerdiness and it doesn't hurt taking a kid that has never experienced anything like that before in his life.

Anyway, here's an example:

Spooky Real-Life Happenings.

2008-06-13T01:28:00.002-05:00

I know I usually do funny, but this is a story I want to share. It's not funny ha-ha, more funny OMG.

Back when my son was about a year old he was starting to string words together in some impressive sentences. Often times, you could understand him. His grasp of the English language has always been impressive, but when they first start the sentence phase a parent tends to pay really close attention.

Anyway, the wife, the boy, and I were in his room laying (lying?) on the floor in the dark and staring at the ceiling. The reason for this is that I had stuck glow-in-the-dark stars all over it and we were enjoying the glow. At this point in my son's life, he was rarely without one of us by his side. He was generally only alone in his room when he was down for bed. Some nights, it sounded like he was talking to somebody quietly. The night when we were staring at the stars, he was between me and the wife. It was pretty black in the room except the faint green glow from the stars. Tucker stands up and starts saying, "The man in the window! The man in the window!" Not in a scared voice, more in an excited voice. we both sit up and ask him what he's talking about. He says, "See? There he is. The man in the window."

Needless to say, we were a little creeped out. He kept talking about it. Eventually, he started talking to it. TALKING TO IT. He was really excited. He kept trying to show him things. He would reach around in the dark, grab a toy and tell the man in the window about it. "See man? This is Bear," (Bear is a stuffed puppy). The wife and I were struck silent. I could feel her tensing up more and more as this went on. I asked the boy to ask the man in the window what his name was. So he did. "What's you name man?" He paused as if he were listening to an answer. "His name is George."

I know, right? I nearly pissed my pants right there. This went on for a good fifteen minutes more. A full half hour in all. I'm forgetting some specifics that were mostly the conversation bits between the kid and George (BTW, he did know Curious George before this, but he didn't say it often), but you get the overall super creepy vibe experienced by me and the wife. After a half hour of this, we took him out of the room. The wife huddled into herself on the couch and pretty much broke into tears. I was freaked. We prayed. A lot. What else can you do in a situation like that?

Nothing overly supernatural has happened since then, but lordy, that was more than I ever wanted to watch my then one year old son do. I've had a few run-ins with spirits, but I'll save those stories for another time.

BTW, if anyone knows how to make George pay rent, please let me know in the comments section. No free loaders in my house. Even if I can't see them myself. (I guess it was a little funny after all)

Krispy Kreme 2. Electric Boogaloo.

2008-06-13T01:17:00.004-05:00

Here's another ad I just finished. I'm a huge fan of the line in this one. Made me laugh for days. I thought about using that line from that cheesy song "Hole Hearted" by Extreme (can you guess?):

"There's a hole in my heart that can only be filled by you." (damn. Now I have that song stuck in my head)

Ad School!

2008-06-06T03:08:00.009-05:00

So you may or may not know, but I am currently embroiled in ad school. I just entered my first contest and should find out if I made the cut in July sometime. I thought I'd throw up the ads and see what y'all think (thanks for the idea Judy).

Check 'em out (click to enlarge):

New Hero.

2008-06-01T01:38:00.003-05:00

WOW.

I just saw this and am still blown away. I've been playing the guitar for more than half my life, and I used to be really really good. I even practiced some of the stuff you are about to witness.

However, this guy makes me look like a chump... not that I need help. What really kills me is that I've never heard of this guy before tonight, yet people like Avril Lavigne. the Simpson sisters (although easy on the eyes), and practically every other crap band out there get air time. There are hidden gems like this out there. Support great music and the musicians that make it.

The Beginning of the End.

2008-05-29T10:04:00.003-05:00

Read this.

I know right? I'm just as scared as you. Charlton Heston tried to warn us, but those brainiacs think they're smarter than Moses. Robots controlled by monkeys? Really? What good can come from this? Feeding himself is just the tip of the iceberg. As soon as that mechanical arm gets a hold of a laser, it's over.

I guess I should start acclimating to our eventual primate overlords. Did the humans in Planet of the Apes have it that bad really?
No real cares (except being hunted by Apes), foraging for a living, coupling when they want to couple, not concerned about their appearance, you know: the good life. Refresh my memory, didn't the Apes give all those humans lobotomies? I don't recall for sure, but in preparation of our coming fall from grace, I've scheduled a lobotomy for next Wednesday. That should be fun.

Damn, dirty, robot controlling primates.

THIS IS NOT ME.

2008-05-27T22:15:00.006-05:00

I am going to nip this one in the bud before rumors start flying around that I like Tigger. Sure, I have me a pair of Spider Man speedos. But I only use those when I volunteer at those bikini car washes.

Is this guy infringing on my likeness? I can sue him for that, no?

BTW, This is where I got the pic. After staring at the pic for a bit, click here.

Lincoln Towncar. 2003-'08

2008-05-23T13:49:00.005-05:00

I am sad today. I just sold the only cool thing I owned. The piece of prestige that separated me from all of you. The one thing that let me live my gangsta life style.

My Lincoln Towncar. If you never got to ride in it, you missed out. That car rode like a cloud. I used to aim for potholes just for the gentle swaying motion that would result. The trunk was so big I could fit a whole family of bodies in it. The seats in it are more comfortable than your couch. My couches are direct descendants of the Towncar, and therefore, more comfortable than your couches too.

I am sad today.

I have proof!

2008-05-22T10:15:00.003-05:00

Remember my post about the Burger King? Read this and have all doubts removed. It's about half way into the article, so show some patience, K?

just curious

2008-05-21T01:58:00.003-05:00

Does anyone know if the new Incredible Hulk movie with Ed Norton is a do-over? It doesn't imply sequel in the previews and I haven't seen the one made not so long ago. I don't get it. Is this the way Hollywood is going? A costly commodity like the Hulk gets a high price movie made then it bombs. A couple years later, they get a do-over?

Is Billy Zane in it at least? How 'bout Shatner or Goldblum? I would love to see those guys in a movie together.

HolY CRAP!

2008-05-15T12:21:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite TV shows of all time is now online! Granted, it's just the first season at this point, but I can only assume that more are on the way. "Which show is it?" you ask. Well let me tell you.

TWIN PEAKS

If you are too young to know what this is, you owe it to yourself to watch it. It was groundbreaking work. It would still hold it's own on TV today. You definitely need to watch a few episodes to get the hooks firmly planted in you, but once you do....

David Duchovny plays a cross dressing FBI agent in it.... around the same time that the X-Files was out.

Classic stuff. We'll revisit this in the future.

Say hi to Bob for me.

Short Posts.

2008-05-15T01:55:00.004-05:00

I want to know: what do you think is the worst movie ever made?
—————————————————————————————————
Just for fun.
—————————————————————————————————
I like conversation, but I like to keep it specific. For example: How is thing?
—————————————————————————————————
Do you think the world is going to end? Or are we just getting started?
—————————————————————————————————
Do you believe in aliens? How about illegal aliens?

Is this the beginning of it all?

2008-05-08T11:23:00.003-05:00

Is this where the current look of the Burger King came from? The Disco Era? Seriously? They really are cultivating an air of creepiness. I have to say that I am old enough to barely remember the feel of the ads and the characters involved. I also need to say that the new-ish campaign with the King is one of my favorite of all time. What do y'all think?

The Economy, soon to be rice based.

2008-05-07T12:51:00.007-05:00

I was driving to the market the other day (see pic) to stock up on multiple 50 lb bags of rice. I heard there's going to be a shortage, and I want to have a stockpile. I don't really like rice, I just want it on hand for currency when the bottom drops out of the dollar.

I have a feeling everything will soon have their value determined in grains of rice. The transition from cash to rice will be especially hard for the stock market and prostitutes.

I don't have any solid numbers, so I'm going to make some up. I "heard" that at least half of the population of the world relies on rice. If not for sustenance, then for bartering or fuel for their rice burners (whatever that means). I'm uncertain how many bags of rice it takes to get a goat right now, but soon it will be how many goats to get one bag of rice.

Brace yourselves.

(pic courtesy of faithful reader, Scotty B)

Walking is for Suckers II

2008-05-07T10:06:00.003-05:00

I spent some time at the como zoo yesterday and I was reminded of this. I stand by this previous post whole heartedly. In fact, I saw a commercial a week or so ago that applied to my situation and meant to post about it. This is the perfect time to do so. To watch the commercial of one of the most amazing products ever, click here (sorry, no video embedding of this video allowed) and to see the company's website, click here.

Are you back? Good. Now that you've seen it, can you believe it?

I know what it's intended purpose is, but I would looooove to have one, wouldn't you? How much fun would it be to soup one up and start a basketball league? Or have obstacle track races? What would it take to re-fit my Monster Mini Van with a wheel system that works like that. That would be step one to my life long dream to build a life size transformer.

The mind boggles.

Blogging is easy. Life is hard.

2008-05-02T01:40:00.003-05:00

Turns out my plan of a post a day isn't quite running smoothly. Life gets in the way a lot.

I swear, it's not that I'm running out of things to say. The day that happens is the day I die. I have plans. Plans for posts. I have posts for days. While my posts wait to be written, they multiply like rabbits on performance enhancing pills.

The thing I'm lacking the most is time. My arch nemesis. I have my days and nights so thoroughly booked that it's amazing I'm writing this post at all!

Stay tuned faithful readers. You will be rewarded.

Love you.

Matthew Gilman update

2008-04-26T10:49:00.004-05:00

So last I heard he's doing fine. His surgery went well, but not as expected. Here's why: Turns out the doctors gave him a few options varying in quality and price for surgery. Low end would be the "roadkill and staples, in and out special." Survival rate 15%. On the high end would be the "heart of your enemy, replacement and spa treatment." There are some moral issues with the last as they take the life of your enemy, but the survival rate is on average above 150% because the heart of your enemy actually makes you stronger so you'll live longer than if your heart was fine. Just stay away from fatty foods.

Matthew opted for the middle of the road, "workingman special." Nice and affordable with a very high survival rate. Nothing fancy and exotic about this surgery except they use parts from a goat for something... I'm not sure for what though. Lunch, maybe?

Anyway, last I heard, he's on the mend which will be a long process of building up his strength and losing weight. He can already breath much better then before the surgery as goats are well known for their natural breathing abilities. Again, I don't know if the goat parts had anything to do with it, but he is breathing better. Hmmm.

While he is on the mend, he still needs our positive energy sent to him so keep him in your thoughts, prayers, meditations, letters to Santa, and any other form of well wishing you can think of.

Good luck Matthew.

SNOW?!?! Are you F@#$%&* Kidding me? The Third, Esq.

2008-04-26T10:43:00.003-05:00

Seriously.

We are days away from May. I wake up to find snow outside. Not everywhere like last time, mind you, but enough to really get my goat (what does that phrase even mean?). I'm cool with it not accumulating in the inches, but at the same time, there should be zero snow at this point in the year. Zero! I shouldn't even have to think about it.

Snow still on the ground means it's cold. I hate the cold even more than snow. Not cool. Well, cold actually.

I am not sure what I'll do if it snows again this year. I would go postal, but that's not appropriate as they do their job in all types of weather. I'll think of something.

Reduce Dependance on Foreign Oil.

2008-04-23T10:54:00.002-05:00

We all know that oil is crazy expensive in the US right now, but did you know that Europe has been paying prices like this for years? The reason they've been paying these prices for so long is they rely much more on foreign oil then we do. We are lucky (bad choice of word?) to have oil deposits in and around our own country. Not to mention some of the biggest oil companies are American in origin.

Well I just filled the 20 gallon tank of the Monster Minivan and ended up paying over $60. That was the first time I filled it since I bought it and, wow, I was crying a little on the inside. a few years ago that would have cost me $25. Lordy. If you do the math, the difference is.... um... a lot. Back then, a gallon of milk was significantly more expensive than a gallon of gas. Not sure what milk cost nowadays as I'm lactose intolerant ("I won't stand for it" -Seinfeld), so I can't make the comparison.

Anyway, it is probably too late to do anything about the outrageous oil prices now (unless they end up drilling in Alaska, which I'm not for at all... we'll see if my opinion changes a $1 later) so I suggest we reduce our reliance on other foreign oils.

Olive oil, stir fry oil, um... is peanut oil foreign?

Monster Minivan leads to a discovery.

2008-04-22T00:39:00.004-05:00

Check this out.
I had to transfer ownership of the Monster Minivan's title to me. I went on one of them inter-nets to see if I could find anything saying if I could mail in the title or if I had to go to a DMV office. turns out I have to go in. But that's not what this post is about. This is about a webpage I stumbled on laying out what type of vehicles can go without a title (read here For the original page).

This is what struck me as post-worthy:

General Information:
Minnesota certificates of title are mailed to the owner of the vehicle. Liens are shown on the title.
Effective October 1, 1972 (M.S.168A.05), every vehicle must be titled with the following exceptions:

(5 other boring vehicles)
#6 An implement of husbandry.
(a couple other boring vehicles)

The thing is, a newer vehicle in Minnesota can cost a lot when it comes time to pay taxes on it. So, If I can prove that a child was conceived in the Monster Minivan, would it be tax exempt?

The Future of Hair Care

2008-04-21T01:34:00.002-05:00

Here's a guarantee from me. In the future, say five to eight years from now, Hair care is going to be radically different. Longer hair will come back, but instead of being super fancy layer cuts or perms or anything like that, a new product is going to be released. This new product will be like hair gel with one incredible difference. It doesn't dry out like gel.

Since it doesn't dry out, it will keep it's sculptability (I think I just made up a word!). So, longer hair with some of this new gel will give the user the ability to sculpt a hairstyle whenever they want. If you are feeling particularly devilish, sculpt some horns in your hair. Want to feel magical? Unicorn horn. Feel like a fossil? Stegosaurus bone plates. Need vengeance because some weird marine biologist killed your shark baby? Jaws-like great white dorsal fin.

You get the idea.

I think this is a great idea (copyright Glenn Chipman 2008). I really hope it comes true. Sooner rather than later, as I may be bald in the not to distant future. Then I'll have to use the gel on my toupee.

What should we name it?

A Musing about Divorce.

2008-04-21T01:05:00.002-05:00

Have you heard about the statistic that 50% of all marriages end in divorce? How accurate do you think that is?

I think that statement should be worded differently. In my experience, people who get one divorce are more likely than not going to get a second divorce if they remarry. Because of that, I think the statement should be something about the success rate of first marriages. Since the majority of divorcees I know get a second one (and sometimes a third), that really skews the statistic. The worst part is that 50% statistic gets thrown around a lot, and it kind of devalues marriage. That is not good.

I know that this isn't a funny post, but sometimes that's gonna happen. That's how I roll.

Girls Gone Wild is for Suckers.

2008-04-20T00:36:00.003-05:00

I don't mean the guys that buy that crap. I'm all for that. That keeps them from buying rohypnol and using it. Keeps 'em off the street, if you will.

I mean those girls that go wild. Idiots. All they get out of it is a T-shirt and a life time of self loathing. Their parents must be proud. No, not really, and If they are, they should be shot. If they're going to give away the milk for free, as it were, then they should at the very least, make money off of it. But I guess then they wouldn't be giving the milk away for free. All they are doing is helping that douchebag that owns Girls Gone Wild pay for his island. No, really. He has an island. Paid for by teen girls that may or may not have been under the influence of rohypnol. Definitely under the influence of alcohol. Absolutely under the influence of a gnawing lack of self worth.

I will say this for that douchebag. He has some kind of mystical power that can make hundreds and hundreds of girls take their shirt off at the least. Then he records it and give them a T-shirt as compensation. Obviously there is an audience for this crap. An island ain't cheap. And if you re-read my opening paragraph, he is kind of providing a service, keeping armies of douchebags off of the streets. So in a sense, he is a hero.

I guess that is kinda worth an island.

On the Subject of Dreams.

2008-04-19T23:08:00.002-05:00

I'm not talking about MLK Jr here. This is about REM-cycle-deep-sleep-dreams. I'm plagued with them. More often than not, when awoken, they flee not to return with only a hint of what happened remaining. When I remember them clearly though, I'm blown away.

Brace yourself.

Let me start off by saying that when I dream, they are hyper-real. There are times in my life where I remember things, bring them up in conversation, only to find that they never happened in the real world. I'd be embarrassed if I were capable of that emotion, or any emotion in general. I'm like the robot that dreams... Back to the dreams: hyper-real. Sometimes I can actually smell things. Sometimes I can actually feel pain and the like. A couple of times I've died in my dreams. No, really.

The last time I died in my dreams, it played out like this:
I was using a small trolling motor to steer a row boat that was carrying a group of people that I knew but I never looked at their faces. I was trying to beach the boat on a very steep beach so we could get out. As the boat started up the beach, all the people started jumping out. That caused the boat to rock, and because the beach was so steep the rear of the boat took on water as it rocked. Everyone jumped off of the boat onto the beach except me. That caused the boat to lurch and it rapidly started sinking. I tried to get off but my foot got caught in the anchor rope. The boat slid off the beach and pulled me down with it. For some reason, the slope of the steep beach continued well under the surface of the water, so there was plenty of room for the boat to sink straight down. As the boat and I completely submerged, a feeling of absolute calm overtook me. It was underwater-quiet. about twenty feet down, all I could see was the boat below me, and some shafts of light coming from the surface. My body took on that frozen-floating look. Everything went black.

I woke up in a very calm panic, if that makes sense. Sat straight up like a bolt of lightning. Sat there for awhile, confused. Went about the rest of my day very cautiously.

I'll post more details from other dreams in the future. For now, if you remember your dreams, compare them to a dream dictionary. That can blow your mind. For fun, examine my dream and tell me what you think it means.

Target Evacuation Update.

2008-04-17T23:14:00.002-05:00

Well, It's been a few days since my family and I were asked to evacuate the Target in Roseville. I'm not saying we were the only ones like we did something bad, everyone inside was evacuated. The official story is someone called in bomb threats to three separate Target stores. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Ever since I left Target I haven't felt right. The first two days away I fought back nausea to the point that I had to stop what I was doing a few times and catch my breath. I hate puking. I know that's kind of a dumb thing to say, but some people don't like it, but tolerate it. I despise it. I will do whatever I can not to. I'll make a post about this someday. I also had a headache right out of Target and have been a little unfocused since then too.

I'm a little worried that I've been poisoned. Sure, I have a touch of hypochondriac in me. Sure, they said it was a bomb threat. I just need this out in the open just in case I wake up one day to find out I'm dead.

You know, just in case.

Dream Job.

2008-04-17T22:38:00.003-05:00

I think I'm cut out to be a voice-over recording artist. Just like the gritty voiced men you hear doing movie trailers. I can totally do that.

Wanna help?

Let's collaborate on a script. Go ahead and type out some lines in the Comments section and we can make some magic. In fact, if we get enough input and it turns out really nice, I'll even record it and put it on here.

Gentlefolk, start your imaginations.

Out of Context.

2008-04-17T19:54:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite activities is to take things out of context.

Perfect example: I was watching the Curious George TV show with my kid when out of the blue the narrator says, "George and Jumpy played nut hockey all day." Priceless. It's like free comedy.

Sometimes, I think the writers of kids' shows put things like that in shows on purpose. I mean what person grows up saying, "I want to write poorly conceived children shows when I grow up." There may be 12 people total. The rest are completely disenfranchised writers (an odd group of people, writers) that are writing anything for money at this point. Out of boredom they'll put things like that in the script trying to sneak it under the radar of the sensor. Awesome. Thanks writers that missed the mark!

Anybody else have an example of this phenomenon?

Most embarrassing moment.

2008-04-16T10:40:00.003-05:00

Hello friendly readers. Today I bring to you a new category of my blog. Embarrassing moments. I've filled my life with them. How do I get past such embarrassment, you ask? Well, I have the worst memory on the face of the planet, so I have that going for me. The only time I remember things is a) when I'm told to... that hardly works b) during weird flashes based on a tiny piece of associated information c) at the most inopportune time.

Well, I had one of those weird flashes yesterday and I thought I'd share it with you. About six or seven years ago, I was living in Savannah, GA and was brushing my teeth. I must have been in a hurry because I was brushing at an alarming rate of speed. The reason you aren't supposed to brush that fast is because your toothbrush can "jump the rails" and damage the soft tissue in your mouth... which is precisely what happened to me. I gouged the gums and inner lip on the front part of my jaw. It was quite painful. A few days go by and the wound starts to hurt, possibly from an infection. The pain is so unbearable that I open the medicine cabinet and reach for the vial of Anbesol.

I twisted the cap off, pulled out the applicator and applied it directly to the wound. Instead of that part of my mouth going numb, a very different and unpleasant taste filled my mouth, much like super glue (don't ask). Not what I expected at all. Then, almost immediately, an odd drying sensation happened and the solution hardened into a "skin." At this point I was in a lot of pain, confused and starting to panic. I looked at the bottle and to my horror I realized I grabbed the wrong vial. Although it was the exact same size and color, the label wasn't facing me and I didn't even know we owned a vial of the product I had applied to the open wound in my mouth. That product was...

...Dr. Scholl's Liquid Wart Remover.

I know, delicious. I spent the next fifteen minutes scraping off the "skin" that had formed in my mouth with my toothbrush. Just in case this point is missed, I spent fifteen minutes brushing/scraping Dr. Scholl's Liquid Wart Remover off of a very painful, open wound in my mouth. I probably should have called poison control, but I was running late for work as it was. The right side of my lower lip was really really swollen for a couple of days. I also sounded a little like Mushmouth from Fat Albert when I spoke.

Good Times.

just in case

2008-04-15T21:07:00.002-05:00

Today the family and I went to the Super Target in Roseville to buy some things. I needed a griller brush, some stainless steel cleaner, and a shower curtain. As we were walking through the store a voice came over head and sounded a little shaky. I couldn't quite understand it but it sounded like, "MMmmmMm Scccckkk Please evacSXXxxxss go to the nearest fire exit." We went about our business for a moment because it wasn't quite clear until hind sight kicked in.

A moment later, we joined one of the Target employees and a couple other customers and headed to the back door. The employee didn't know how to open the fire door, so I had to step in and play the hero role. I pushed the lever that said "Push here in case of emergency. Alarm will sound." You're welcome Target employee.

We walked around the building and there was a sea of red shirted teens across the parking lot. As we were walking, four cop cars came speeding (I mean FAST) into the parking lot. We eventually made it to our monster minivan and waited around a bit to see what would happen.

No fire trucks arrived, so it wasn't a fire.

Eventually, we got tired of waiting for something to happen. So I drove up to a group of cops and a couple of Target employees. I asked, "Were we exposed to anything I should worry about?" I was told, "No. There's just a threat to the store, please evacuate."

I'm fairly certain the mainstream media is going to call this a bomb threat. In fact, I bet that two other stores were targeted (no pun intended, mostly). However, I got a headache almost as soon as I got back to the monster minivan. So I suspect that there's a cover up and I was exposed to something bad.

If I get anthrax, heads are going to role. This post is just in case I do and can't do anything about it in time.

Ultimate buddy movie.

2008-04-14T22:26:00.004-05:00

Imagine with me if you will...

Our hero, a police chief that gets tired of his desk job and demotes himself to detective. He ends up being partnered with an up and coming police captain bent on justice. They get assigned to a murder. The victim turns out to be a Congressman's daughter. Through the investigation we find out that the Congressman is trafficking drugs and his daughter got caught in the crossfire...

That's a very basic plot. Other characters would be included. The police station's radio dispatcher is a spitfire young women that loves the up and coming captain but can't express herself except in very harsh words. The ex-chief's wife is doting and beyond worried about her husband coming out from behind the desk. The rookie is a young kid that doesn't know any better and is always falling for the common station pranks.

Now that you have a basic sense of the Ultimate Buddy Movie, let me let you in on who I would cast as the two lead roles: William Shatner and Jeff Goldblum.

Can you imagine it? Shattner would be the hot headed bad cop to Goldblum's easy going, friendly, good cop.

My god, the acting! Weird pauses, awkward sounds, and stiff movements throughout the whole movie. It would be an instant cult hit. Shatner could even speak a little Esperanto in it. The two kings of odd verbal cadence would be an amazing dynamic duo. And the chemistry is undeniable. Shatner would lead and Goldblum would mutter his agreeance. We could even get Billy Zane in there as the straight man to the other two's odd behavioral glitches. That guy needs a good gig.

I have the perfect name for it:
Murder Most Awkward

Guess what...

2008-04-14T13:48:00.003-05:00

Read this.

A quick update to my "What happened to the Smurfs?" post. Turns out there is a movie, possibly a trilogy of them, coming our way (thanks for the tip, Lucas). CGI no less.

Don't know how I feel about that. I still don't know how i feel about the Transformers movie. Did I or did I not like it? The world may never know.

As long as Gargamel and Azrael are in it, then all will be good. I hope.

A revisit to my April Fools post.

2008-04-14T12:21:00.006-05:00

For those that have been reading this blog for a while, you may remember my "Finished with Critique/Portfolio on line" April fools post. If not, read it HERE.

The long and the short of the joke was I provided a link to my "portfolio" which when clicked on rickrolled the viewer. Hilarity. Right after the link is a paragraph that was purposefully written to sound a tad off. If you read the first word in each line, you will see why.

Basically, the entire post can be summed up in this graphical representation:

Graph courtesy of Graph Jam

Have Fun, Confuse your pets.

2008-04-14T02:04:00.006-05:00

Here's a short list of things to do to mess with your pets. Relax PETA, no animals were harmed in the making of this list.

1. Make that high pitched whistling noise while you're breathing in sound like a dog whine.

2. Laser Pointer.

3. Play dead (see pic). Poor guy was shocked.

4. Move the furniture.

5. Put mirrors on the floor.

6. Put Post-it notes sticky side up on the floor.

7. Eat on a glass table with no plates. Think about it.

8. Call them by a different name for a day.

9. Teach them to drool when you ring a bell.

10. Play a wind instrument.

11. Hang a piece of bacon from the ceiling just out of reach.

12. Pet a pillow lovingly to make 'em jealous.

13. Eat out of their dish.

14. Teach them to read.

15. Move the furniture back.

Of course, I don't tease any animal to the point that they get a complex. They're smart animals. Eventually, they'll catch on to your shenanigans and your games won't be nearly as effective.

Love all animals. Have your pets spade and neutered. Unless of course you want them to have babies. Then it's cool.

Whatever Happened to the Smurfs?

2008-04-12T21:49:00.003-05:00

I'm really shocked by this. Everything else that was cool when I was a kid has made a resurgence in one form or another. Transformers (the greatest playthings ever), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, New Kids on the Block (I'm not kidding), GI Joe (wait for it...), Strawberry Shortcake, Rubik's Cube to some extent, and a slew of other rehashed ideas. All of these things may be subject to Webster's Law of Review, but they have enough marketability in them that they came around for a new generation (as did many other things before, Tom & Jerry, Scooby Doo, etc etc).

I don't know how they'd do it, but the rehashing of the Smurfs is bound to happen and bound to be cool. Gargamel is a great bad guy. Bent on eating the Smurfs and turning them into gold or some such. Azrael the cat is an awesome bad guy pet. Doesn't get any better than this.

Maybe Billy Zane can get work in the retooling. I'm worried about him. What a talent. He needs work. Smurf a brother out.

Why can't old people drive better?

2008-04-12T21:08:00.004-05:00

I don't get it. If practice makes perfect, then old people should be the best drivers in the world. Think about it, in some cases they were around for the advent of mass produced cars. That's before seat belts, airbags, pavement in most areas, drinking and driving laws, and a bunch of other safety features we take for granted. When you put it in that context, the crazy drivers would have eliminated themselves long ago, leaving the better drivers to breed a race of super drivers.

Weird how that didn't work.

There must be some kind of threshold where the old folks' driving abilities deteriorate. I'm completely in favor of rigid driving tests on a bi-annual basis. That would weed out the old people who tend to slam on the gas thinking it's the brake while driving into a crowd, the punk kids that don't care about anything on the road (damn punk kids), rice-burner racers, and most of the people that cause traffic.

Think about that. If we were required to take more in depth driving tests more often, there would be significantly fewer accidents, fewer drivers, fewer cars on the road, less car emissions, and way less traffic. The number of driving related deaths would plummet. Heaven on earth. As it stands right now, we give a drivers licenses to dumb kids that can't even vote. If we gave out pilot licenses in the same manner, more houses would have small-engine planes sticking out of their roofs.

Since that will never happen (damn auto industry lobbyists) I dream of the day that the old, the bad, the too young get out of the left lane if they aren't going faster than the speed limit. That is the number one reason traffic sucks as bad as it does. Especially when those bad drivers match the speed of the car right next to them in the right lane, not letting anyone around. Basically acting as a cork.

I hate bad drivers almost as much as snow.

SNOW?!?! Are you F@#$%&* Kidding me? Part Deaux

2008-04-11T00:29:00.002-05:00

What is going on here? Where is the warming this globe is supposed to be going through? I can't believe that there is another 4 to 8 inches of snow coming our way again. I shake my fists at the clouds and their stupid tiny ice flakes.

I went for a drive tonight to pick up some things from Target. It was one of the more daring drives I've ever been on. I didn't take the monster minivan and I probably should have. It felt more like I was boating than driving. When you are boating, turning isn't a very accurate venture. You turn the wheel and the boat will go that way, but depending on current, wind, speed, etc etc, it can vary how the boat will turn. I saw a couple of cars in the ditch and Target isn't that far from my house. I can only imagine how many cars are ditched in the area.

Nice going industry. Thanks a lot progress. The worst part is to get around in this kind of weather we will all need monster vehicles and those things drink gas. In big gulps. So the more we drive our monster vehicles, the more gas we use, the more emissions are released, and the worse the weather gets. It's a vicious stupid cycle.

Drive careful. Stay warm.

I've been tagged.

2008-04-10T17:42:00.005-05:00

Have you heard of this nonsense? It's where someone from a different corner of the internet fills out a list of questions then "tags" you to fill it out next. It's like a chain letter without the luck benefits. Maybe it's more like a chain letter with embarrassing details of my life laid out for perfect strangers to read. Well, I think I'll give this one try. If I like it, I may fill out ones I find interesting in the future. Probably not though. Don't hold your breath.

Here goes:

Four Jobs I’ve Held:

Dishwasher at Pizza Hut
Cook at Pizza Hut
Manager at Pizza Hut
Ninja assassin

Four movies I could watch over and over:
None. I don’t get how people can watch movies over and over again. I can maybe watch a movie more than once if a significant amount of time has passed, but once you’ve seen it, you’ve seen it. You know how it ends, you know all the characters, you even know the soundtrack. It is literally two hours of your life you will never get back every time you watch a movie over. Go write a book, clean out the gutters... do something!

Places I’ve lived:
Have a seat.
Cleveland, OH; Vista, CA; Big Bear, CA (I think I missed a couple already); Carlsbad, CA (I think); Oceanside, CA; Libertyville, IL; then back to Oceanside, CA (a couple of places); then shockingly to Winona, MN (a bunch of places there); Savannah, GA (in a hell hole, then in a mansion); St. Paul, MN (a couple of nice places).

Four TV shows I like:

Cavemen
According to Jim
Jerry Springer
anything on MTV

No, not really. Suckers.

Lost
Bones (I’m just as shocked as you)
House
anything on MTV

Four people who email me regularly:

The guy with the penis enlargement pills (I’m getting a complex)
The gal with the fake designer things
Scott
the online casinos

(in that order)

Four favorite foods:

Spaghetti
Vanilla Ice Cream
Filet Mignon, sides of Garlic Mashed Potatoes and Steamed Broccoli, and a glass of Cabernet
Lasagna (and i hate Mondays too. Oh, and check this out.)

Where would I rather be?

Anywhere by a beach
Anywhere warm
Anywhere I’m loved
Chuckee Cheese’s

Four people I’m tagging:

Josh
Robert
Mills
Paul

There you go. Let me know what y'all think.

The Final Nail in my Rock and Roll Lifestyle.

2008-04-08T15:48:00.008-05:00

That's it. Put a fork in me. I'm done.

The dream of being a rock star exhaled its last breath and is now pale and lifeless in my heart. And it's starting to stink a bit. Why you may ask? Let me show you:

Admittedly, the oversized tires are kinda cool, as is the DVD player inside, but a minivan? Being a family man does have its downside.

I'll still play music. I may still start a band in the not too distant future. You never know. But any chance of me "making it" have been thwarted by this... this... monster. This monster-minivan.

Blazing solos on my guitar will now sound less biting, my voice will be less soul wrenching, my songs will be less real. Everything is now flowers and rainbows. Great.

Looking at the bright side, my monster minivan can kick your cars but any day.

Best Wishes Matthew Gilman.

2008-04-05T21:34:00.003-05:00

A friend of mine is in the hospital.

Matthew Gilman, whom I met (is that right? whom?) at Brainco, is probably having near-heart surgery in the very near future. Valve replacement to be more accurate. His valve ain't working properly and his body is collecting fluid under his lungs making it very very hard to get even a slight breath. He was gasping for air walking across his living room.

Not good.

The docs put him on some kind of liquid restrictive diet and gave him medicine to make him pee (or something like that) so he's lost 55 pounds in four days. For those that don't know Matthew, he's kinda "big boned." More to love, I say. 55 pounds is a good start. I'm proud of him and his ability to pee.

His heart is fine, but the valve is faulty. So hopefully when the valve gets replaced, his body can keep up with the fluid disposal without aid. Time will tell.

Unfortunately, Matthew has to take time off of school at Brainco to get healthy again. That sucks. He is a great talent and I planned on riding his wave too graduation and beyond. I'm going to bug him his entire "resting period" for ideas.

So with this information in mind, if you pray, start praying. If you meditate to be one with the higher consciousness, when you reach it, make sure you put in a good word. If you drink, tip one back for Matthew. If you're into tantric sex, hit it hard for the ol' Gilman. Not too hard, you need to save your life energy. If you're into ritual sacrifice, you're sick and you need help. Get some. Please. No creature deserves that.

You get the point. The dude needs all the positive energy he can get. Send him some.

Walking is for Suckers

2008-04-04T18:03:00.003-05:00

I just spent the first half of today at the Minnesota Zoo. With a two and a half year old. One that walks at his own pace. I've always had my own pace. Actually, I have two different speeds. Fast, and Relaxed. Fast is the pace I use when at work or in public when I'm in large groups cuz I hate crowds (it's the ninja in me). Relaxed is the pace I use everywhere else or if I've been doing a lot of strenuous activities. I now have to add a third pace: Two and a Half Year Old. I understand why he walks so slow, his legs are significantly shorter than mine. Significantly. He's really short. However, understanding as I am, I have trouble adjusting to something that new for so long. We walked for about five hours with a couple of breaks here and there. Lordy.

My solution: Personal Mobility Devices. I would love me a scooter. I don't mind walking for short times at my new Two and a Half Year Old Pace, say fifteen minutes to a half an hour, but any longer than that and I want to be cruising. I'd even get a child seat.

Whatever happened to...

2008-04-04T17:20:00.002-05:00

Hypercolor T-shirts?

When they were out originally, I was in a much, much lower tax bracket. I really really wanted one but could not afford them. *sigh

In Minnesota they were pretty cool. Especially during the winter. The colors would only be different in the armpits. Sort of like wearing a lie detector. They should re-release them except in a line of products. I'm thinking sheets, hats, socks, boxer-briefs... you get the idea.

The only other trend I miss is tight rolled baggy pants. Heaven.

Ye Olde Randome Musings.

2008-04-02T22:29:00.002-05:00

Have you ever wondered if we can select the gender of our children before they are conceived?

I put forth to you, good people, that you can actively choose the gender of your future children during intercourse. It all rests in the male of the couples' hands. All he has to do is think about the desired gender of his future child during copulation. So if the couple wants to have a girl, the male has to be thinking about females. If the couple wants to have a boy, the male has to be thinking about males.

So for those of you with siblings of the opposite sex, your father was probably bi.

A Perplexing Feeling.

2008-04-02T13:57:00.002-05:00

Let me ask you a question. Have you ever been really really busy, but have absolutely nothing to do? I'm experiencing this right now.

It probably has a lot to do with the "body in motion" rule of physics... not the science of physics, more the emotions of it. If that makes sense. I have been in a constant state of moving for so long that the sense of urgency is still just under the skin. Even though I don't have any looming projects. It's an interesting paradox. One I'm not used to. I'm really tired at the moment, but I can't settle down enough to even nap. Very frustrating.

What to do, what to do?

Update on the Jesus/Billy Zane crisis.

2008-04-01T04:03:00.004-05:00

Turns out that I really like Kiwi. It's one of the fruits that come in the tropical fruit sampler that either Jesus or Billy Zane saw fit to make a condensation-appearance on. A condearance if you will.

I don't really have anything else to add to that except whoever it was on the packaging is now gone. Go look in your fridge.